I am not the dating type

Dating people who are not your 'type' - can be a good thing. “When she says am I being fussy, there is nothing that grates me more than.
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She does not represent herself to be a psychologist, therapist, counselor or professional helper of any sort. Her responses are offered from the perspective of a friend or mentor only. Anne intends her responses to provide general information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual s. Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses. No correspondence takes place. Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen.

Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician. This is especially true with young men and women , as they are inexperienced, juiced on puberty hormones and the vigor of youth and have in many cases not yet realized that sex in the context of love is a far better thing than just plain old sex. The high road can be a lonely road. They might be more shy types, for one thing. They might also lack courage to approach you especially if you are usually socially engaged with girlfriends. Are you open to such men, or are you only making yourself available to more shallow-but-bold types?

It was surprising to hear how draconian he is about the social media ban in his own home. Would a class action of the many millions now mentally perturbed and addicted to seeking out nonsensical likes be in order? If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella. Follow her on Twitter mariellaf1. Topics Online dating Dear Mariella. Order by newest oldest recommendations. Show 25 25 50 All. Threads collapsed expanded unthreaded. Loading comments… Trouble loading? We end up with a stronger sense of self, and we increase our chances of creating a relationship with the partner we really desire.

With age, people tend to retreat further and further into their comfort zones. Modern women are more and more successful, accomplished and self-sufficient, which are all extremely positive developments. Yet as both men and women get more comfortable, be it financially or practically, it is also easier for them to form a bubble from which it is difficult to emerge. It can feel harder to take risks or put themselves out there. The encouragement we feel to stay home or stay safe often comes from our critical inner voice.

Have a glass of wine. Watch that show you like.

Is It OK to Have a Racial Preference in Dating?

No one will be attracted to you. We should take action and make an effort to get out into the world, smile, make eye contact and let friends know we are looking for someone. We should try new activities and even try dating diverse people as a means to discover new parts of ourselves and what makes us happy. As years pass, we often develop rulebooks for ourselves regarding dating.

When we act on rules based on our past, we can create a perpetual cycle of disappointing relationships. A woman I know once dated someone with whom she had amazing chemistry. Staying open is one of the most important things we can do when looking for a loving partner. Yes, we might get hurt but when we stop taking risks, we reduce our chances of meeting someone we could really have a future with. Relationship rules tend to go hand-in-hand with game-playing. They can lead us to act with less sincerity and authenticity, to close ourselves off from how we feel.

On the other hand, staying open and honest will lead us to find a much more authentic and substantial relationship. We all carry flaws, and these vulnerabilities are especially apparent when getting close to one another. Thus, achieving intimacy is a brave battle, but it is one well-worth fighting for, each and every day, both within ourselves and, ultimately, within our relationships.

We are animals, able to roam free when we can not be honed down one individual for the rest of our lives. Why put yourself through that? YES , totally agree Roger , at 59 still single but found better not happier to be alone than being in a few in a few bad relationships I had. Some people stay single because they want to. Some stay single because they want their undivided attention on something other than a relationship.

Some stay single becasue they are forced to care for a sick parent. Some stay single to pursue higher education or jobs that will prevent them from focusing on a relationship. Some stay single because of devotion to God. People that are attractive are easier to love, but once that beauty is gone, good luck. People have a tendency to settle for whatever they think they can get. If those preconceived factors were not prevalent, than there is little chance of a love connection. It is really sad that people have to have a reason to love others. It is called ego.

Anyone can love a beautiful person, but I dare someone to love a ugly poor person with a low IQ, this world is fake and so are most of the people in it. No Richard, it takes work on both sides. Can someone please explain this? And why do women feel so guilty if a man is willing to go out of his way for her? She should feel lucky and happy. I did need that relationship to be healthy enough for me to honestly have expressed my negative opinions of those things rather than lie through my teeth, but what was needed was the effort.

The idea of self-sacrificial giving in action without sacrificing your character or personality is what is key. I agree with you that women today have unrealistic standards for men. As a single guy with a college degree in music with awards with secondary interests and experience in basic construction, physics, literature, philosophy and religion I find myself rather confused that the only women I have ever been able to attract have been… really messed up people. Partnering up is about attraction,… fortunate and true, nothing unfortunate about that.

Let attraction reign for partnerships. Being attracted to a gorgeous man or woman is not fake at all.

Why you should be dating people who aren’t your ‘type’

That is what is fake. It is not fake to like it. You are confused here. That is what the reality is. Not that people are fake. That just leads to further seeking of happiness with more materialistic things. After 14 years of marriage, my ex threw me out because the agency where I worked was downsized.

Being in my 50s, it is very hard to find work, I went from being part of a leadership team of an agency of over employees to driving a taxi. If you can live through the bad negative yelling screaming phases and all the disgusting things then you are a true one of a kind person that should not be taken for granted or not lose that person. God, if he exists, loves me so much that he gave me a congenital hearing impairment. Then he gave me an ugly face so I would find it difficult, if not impossible, to find a partner and would have to suffer endless rejection.

Then he gave me a weight problem and a metabolism that makes it impossible for me to lose any weight and somehow, maybe become even a tiny bit attractive to women. Yep, God loves me alright. Some people are single for years because of unwanted outsiders always melding and pro-shaping their life with out that single person even knowing. Thus, everything because fake, distorted and and that unwanted catagory becomes more of a state of mind and brain washed and scared for life.

I m single and hadnt a good sence about that,all Human fears had been taged on singles! There seems to be a particular pattern-I meet a girl, she likes me, she turns out to be selfish and verbally abusive. And many times its happened. Should I seek a specific therapist? Is it too late for me? Any suggestions would be appreciated. Part of that is due to desperation. There are other people out there.

As a woman who has been single for years, I understand the idea of just jumping in with the first available or in some cases, unavailable person who likes us. Society no longer places emphasis on marriage, yet human nature is burning for partnerships. Take what you can get within reason, and accept it. I wish the majority would think more like you. It would also cut mental illness in half if people were less pressured to get in to relationships. This list is awful and vindictive. There is always an underlying reason. In my culture in an European country , families take care of each other even when married or in a relationship.

If a man does not understand that, then there would be no men. My point- there ARE men out there who would be understanding enough that you care for your sick parent, and may love and appreciate you even more for doing so. It could mean your job will still be there and probably even better performed when you have someone there who gives you much needed support.

Not a single one. Being devoted to God also means submitting to him and his teachings. But no— having a loving relationship means loving, but weird. If people think that about you, perhaps they need to read the advice columns here. There are a lot of people who stay single for religious choices. There are a lot who stay single for personal choices that are valid. I function on the job and I come home to my pets and my life.

I spend time on occasion with friends and acquaintances, but not romantic ones. I also fear that if I date again I might slide back into that terrible unfulfilling life I had when I was younger, the one where I spent all of my energy on romantic love and none of it on my family and my career and myself.

I romantic interest would have to start by somehow reassuring me that the person was going to make my life better somehow not upset it. My ex and I broke up when my daughter was 3. Anyways, you explained exactly how I feel. I used to sabotage my relationships after my divorce in I got remarried in to the man of my dreams.

It was more than that. I did the necessary work to have him enter my life. I know that if you are open to it, it will happen for you. I can share with you the steps I did to make it happen. Can you share the steps you took with me? I have heard that things happen when we are not looking. How can a person want something but yet not be looking?

Because no men are interested in women my age 50s. Definitely all by their 40s. Men were not interested in me even when I was in my 20s. It has taken me 30 some years to get to be ok with my station in life. Life dealt me these cards. I am ok finally with my lot. They are not saying that there are not people that do stay single for their religion….

What about a child? Single parents often find themselves very isolated…. And not every potential partner understands the demands of a single parent or a person who is a carer for an aging parent or perhaps disabled sibling or even a disabled spouse. Life can be very complicated. One of the reasons to go to college is so you can get a job that pays well enough to supply your food and shelter needs. Some people without an education have to work multiple jobs to barely scrape by. This leaves them exhausted and lacking time to nurture a relationship as well.

At least when someone gets a degree, they may finally have more time for a relationship after getting a job in their field of study. This response was exactly what I was looking for!

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I struggle with being single at my age while refusing to accept the choice that I have made. Earning my PhD is simply more important to me than marriage. Thanks for your comment! It makes me feel so much better. Please reread the Bible. I look after an aged parent; my mum. What women wants go out with a guy who looks after and lives with his mum?! I lived 14 years away from my mum and when circumstances forced me to go back and look after I intended it would be for about 2 years however circumstances for varies reasons made feel obliged to stay.

I certainly did not want to! Also my parents divorced when I was My father remarried and divorced again my brother married a divorcee and divorced. My best female friend at the moment is my dog. Yet at the end of the day your furry canine friend is the most well-behaved and loyal being on the planet. My ex was obsessed with her dog.

She liked dogs more then people it was a major scapegoat she used to keep herself from dealing with reality and facing problems. Hi Al, I think a decent and kind woman would be fine with it, especially if she likes her own space. I did not know all this about myself but it makes so much sense, and I feel empowered with the knowledge. I need part II. I want a do over!

Now, not many available men my age, in these neck of the woods, who are interested in someone my age, and the kids are a long gone dream. But, sigh, what could have been. I learned more about myself from this one article than countless sessions from a couple of unhelpful therapists. Firestone is going to expand on a lot of the ideas she mentions in this article.

Love is ageless Yvette. Be careful what you wish for and passionate about what you already possess and you will shine for all to witness! Be well and never give up! M…Well,what about Gods timing in your life? I never read in the Bible that true love has a certain age. My one teacher got married at And yes,read of so many who got married first time over 50 and older.

Is that perhaps His timing? I hope so for me. I will say a prayer about us. I wanted the divorce. Yikes Gods time makes sense. At 42 I have lost all interest in men except as friends. If God had wanted me to marry, he would have sent someone when I was 22 and actually wanted to be married. That would be locking the barn door after the horse was dead.

Personalized for you

I get social needs met from friends, family of origin, and my church. As for other needs, I wonder if I even have them anymore. I have a guy who is pursuing me from 6 years!!! And a guy I know from a year who I have a huge crush love??? Too scary even to admit … but he might be dating someone , we also have electrifying chemistry!!! Oh and my best friend of ten years and me are very attached to each other in a way that resulted in our breakups with our respective partners few years ago.

I must be a case study. The number that hit me like a bring was going home watching your show. Not putting yourself out there. I can really see i need to make an effort to put myself out there alot more. No blaming other things, building the walls. When asked about it i respond, there is to mush there to tear down.

Instead i need to be honest with myself and figure it out. First article that has hit home so hard. My grandfathers 68 and recently married after 26 years of being alone. Also my father 58 is engaged after 12 years alone.. Point is its never to late to find someone who makes you happy. Honestly I trully feel that people should marry have kids and be at that family point of life in their 40s or later.. They think they know what they want, until it proves to be a false hope.

Love patience understanding all come with age. Men in many cases are still dogs, they search for pussy and are fulfilled once its found for a minute the divorce rate is so high because of men claiming love to get laid, followed by child, marriage, loss of attraction both physical and mental , degeneration of communication and therefore trust. After sharing so much and the jading on both sides continue because regardless of all of it they are linked by their child.. They wonder how to open up again.. Hence this article on reasons, fear is the biggest..

Spend it on new friends, if your lucky that one friend who stands to you may share the attraction and from that base you forge a new relationship. But the classic saying still stands. Good friends are hard to find. I believe we get to know ourselves and figure out what brings us joy. When we get into friendships and relationships, we can then specifically ask for what we need and desire.

And, of course, listen to others and give back to them as well. No real original thought here and it seems more like propaganda for mon-hog-ami! Fear for even a slight criticism. I did many different jobs due to the same reason. Because I was not able to bear it. A single word, Look, Reaction makes me run away and it makes a disaster for me and my employer too. I am very innovative and yes… very smart employee and they all knew it. Demanding unlimited love and affection. Though i know its very bad idea.

Love cannot be earned. Of cause romantic people tend to break easily once they feel and see other person is not romantic as he is. Diplomacy works better than romance. Romantic men are very sharp and sensitive from inside despite of how they look logical and smart when they walk alone in the street. If you are too enthusiastic and imaginative, be careful as your mind is fertile. No matter how much you love her. For a beginner, it may be too advanced.

But its worth reading. I am 36 and never had a girlfriend.

Never Had A Boyfriend

I am not gay Just the thought of finding someone, to settle down, to have a family never crosses my mind. I never see a need to. I like your comment Dan very true. I was married for over 40 years and got divorced last year. I now moved and started a new life in a different area. Joined local activities and clubs which I go to most days. My well being and mental health as improved and I feel 20 years younger.

You must life your life the way you think fit not everyone wants to subscribe to main-stream views and lifestyles. Good luck with your life good health and happiness. I hate how society tries to mold people into stereotypes. I love women but I also like having my own space. Personally, I find it difficult to relate to most people in general. I want to remain single because i have been cheated plus i am a religious guy.. And nowadays no girl is religious , they are just immature who love to booze and sleeping around before marriage.

And i am virgin and celibate. Yep, typical Indian male mentality mindset. You just want a perfect girl naari to drop on to your lap without moving a muscle. Dating is not for insecure men. And for some people love means something else, like their career, and till the end they are just happy that way. The question is what can I do to change and how? Well i certainly do blame God for my singleness, and i never asked for God to put me on this rotten earth to begin with.

Loneliness is no fun at all, and when your friends are settled down with their own life which makes it worse for us. I have the same view but about men. My ex husband alcoholic gambler. My first expartner dumped me for a younger one and left me with his debts to pay. That one truly broke my heart. My second and last ex partner abused me verbally and physically. He stole things from me when leaving. I understand how you feel, Just remember looks are the number one reason people become attracted to each other, next of course is money, so if you have a college degree and a great paying job you will never be lonely again, most women are looking for these factors, in addition go to the gym and get in great shape, all these things will increase your chances of some woman liking you, It is considered a trade off, you get what you want and they get what they want.

Hang in there, life is not fair and it is not our fault that god allows some people to be blessed with looks and others to be ugly. It is about time that someone admitted that looks initially causes someone to be attracted to someone else. When one person first meets another it is impossible for them to be attracted by personality, only looks. If you are ugly like myself, especially as a woman, then you will remain single in spite of wanting to be in a relationship. I totally understand how u feel.

My vice was binge eating. Thats how i coped with all my anxiety and depression. Ive been see o ng a therapist for 3 years, and she has helped me from hell and back twice. Im now making an effort to live a healthy lifestyle mentally, and physically. We are our worst enemy. Start journaling to let your anger out. Now i have less anger d y e to journaling and 2 mile walks everyday. I feel at peace with myself and finally value my life. Hang in there you will get it, just talk to your doctor and be honest towards yourself.

I had to let some people know how i felt, it wasnt easy but you will get the courage to eliminate whats toxic in your life. If you lack a social group that can fix you up — as most singles do — then you have to consider other options. Most of my friends come from college. Like I said, there has to be a context. Yes i go out because i have to go out to work, i meet different people in that area because i work as a tax collector and a cashier. I have now been alone for 36 years.


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Because I want to be. I was married before plus in relationships but I much rather cook if I feel like it, eat what and when I want, sit at the computer all day if I want and not have to pry the TV remote from a mans fingers to watch a program that I like! I get the recliner or the couch, I get to sleep in the middle of the bed and I can leave my pajamas on all day if I want.

And the best part is not having to listen to anyone soul talking about themselves all day long. I am a 34 year old single guy. I am East Indian. I think my culture has a lot to do with why I am single. I am particularly attracted to white women blond hair, blue eyes, or black hair, brown eyes. I am not attracted to black women unless they have that mulatto look like Zoe Saldana.

Sorry, no offense to black women.


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I guess beauty is skin deep. I also live in a small town where there are few single women. To me, a single woman who has children represents extra baggage in a relationship. I guess I am a bit picky on the type of partner I desire. Since I am well educated, I would like a woman who is also well-educated university material.

To me, children behave and are raised better, when the mother is well educated and emphasizes learning in the home. I have three university degrees and I have a wonderful job that pays me very well. With what I earn, I have been able to travel to many different countries that many of my colleagues have not been able to and I have been thankful to God for everything he has given me.

I have also tried to be more proactive and get involved with different things in my community. I am also planning to join karate and do some boxing and so meet more people in the community that I would not normally meet. I have sent many messages to at least 50 women and I got two emails back. I think it is only common courtesy for these women to reply back after you have emailed them. If they are not interested in your profile, they should at least type a one-liner and let you know. Sometimes this really gets me down, I feel frustrated and need to vent to someone.

Also afraid to talk to my parents, as they are a bit judgemental. Looking for any further suggestions as I would really like to settle down and be a happily married man in a long term relationship. You seem like a good man…like a lot of the good men out there that are still single. I am going to tell you something that most here or anywhere do not want to admit. That is, some people are just not meant to have a partner. It is like the animal kingdom were the alpha animals get the females.

Women are driven by a natural desire to be with the alpha males. Fact of the matter is this…if you are not looking for a plain looking, chubby woman, you are not ever going to get married. I am not trying to be mean…just stating the truth. I too am educated, financially set one blessing from very little dating or women in my life , pleasant personality, and every girls best friend at work. However, I always get turned down on dates from single woman whether they be from work, grocery store, online, etc because I am not good looking, somewhat chubby, and balding.

I am 35 and have just about thrown in the towel on ever finding love. I find that single woman my age are even more disgruntled about being single than I am. Most I meet have also given up and prefer to just be single in their comfort zone. I am about there myself. Also, I am less motivated to find someone as I get older because just as I am getting more unattractive with age, so are all the middle aged women. I am just less attracted to them and refuse to be with someone I am not attracted to. So, with that said, I cannot be bitter about the fact that women are not attracted to me.

That is life my friend. I find comfort in everything else I have accomplished and truly feel that you have to make peace with the situation and focus instead on the positive aspects of your life. I have a lot to be happy about. I am very lucky in many other ways. I thank God for that. I recently got a boxer dog and she is a great companion. She loves me unconditionally, wants to hang out with me, waits by the door for me to come home when I am out of the house, and cannot access my bank account.

I retire from the military in 4 years, have saved since the age of 16 and have started construction on my dream home. Once retired age 40 , I will spend the rest of my life indulging in my hobbies.

Why Dating Someone Who's "Not Your Type" Is A Good Thing - mindbodygreen

It would be nice to have a women to share it all with, but I move forward happy…regardless. Focus on the positives. Very well articulated Bill. You state the truth with no apprehensions. Might I add…I am Have a decent job 19 year firefighter with a major southern city , and yes…I am single. I am always polite, and consider myself a southern gentleman. I can easily get laid…. However, my expectations are not that I expect a 24 yr old pretty girl to be commited to me. But I find that being quite courteous and generous with my money , that I can easily find an attractive bed partner.

I can never keep them for long however…lol. What I have found…is this. This also happens with females of my own age. Again…I will say it…Woman say they want a nice guy….

Which Relationship Type are You?

Niceness gets me laid…. If it makes you feel any better, some of us pretty, ambitious, 24yo prefer nice gentlemen who are in their 40s so long as we have things in common, like passion. I find myself wanting to discuss world events with him or just hear his perspectives on different issues. It could also be that you sound very shallow and contradict yourself with what you want. If you want pretty blonde white women with a university degree, they are not going to want to stay home and make sure the children are well educated at home as you indicated.

This is actually not Dude, it seems that you have enough money to buy yourself a wife. You said yourself you are attracted to beautiful or at least pretty women and not mentioned anything about personality so why not travel to Thailand and make someone very rich and buy yourself companion.