Cracked weird dating sims

"I have the weirdest half-chubby right now, Mean Gene!" Like most dating sims, the gameplay seems based around punishing the player.
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You think you know dating sims, but you haven't seen these

It's maybe artistic license, maybe simple insanity, but all of it is an obstacle to the player's ultimate goal of getting wet meat around your junk. But I have hands and We're in a Japanese dating game, aren't we? I wish I was in a sandwich. You're probably wondering what happens if you try to have sex with both Beef and Tuna, like you do at home. Well, the game is quite protective of the feelings of the meat and fish. If you try to two-time them, it sends aliens down to abduct you.

Perhaps strangest of all, after The Bacon Lettuce Biographies sends aliens after you, it does not give you the option of having sex with them. One of the first dating games available online, Simgirls was posted on Newgrounds in , and has been peen played well over 50 million times.

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Statistically, one of those people has got to be doing so from outside a mental hospital, but we hate to think that's true. So what's this apparently popular virtual sex game like? Fucked is what it's like.

The most fucked thing about this game has nothing to do with the three characters you can romance, even though the process of winning their affection includes things like buying their underwear at a school auction Blackspears Media Inc Tragically, you can't buy them a better artist. Blackspears Media Inc Do we No, the truly fucked part of the game is when a character from the future shows up and blasts you with a DNA gun to keep you from impregnating all these fertile but flatulent girls.

Blackspears Media Inc It was the most mature way the developers knew to address birth control. In a fun twist, the DNA ray only makes your poontang rampaging worse by increasing your intelligence, charm, and strength to dangerously lap-moistening levels. So the future girl decides to come back again and shoot you with a regular gun.

Go back in time and kill fertile men. Future Law Code Get around to renaming all Future Laws to Regular Laws. Blackspears Media Inc It's telling that the game's main love story begins with a blow to the head. The future girl loses her memory and becomes your pet. And when we say pet, we mean the game calls her that, you're required to feed her, and she shits all over herself.

Blackspears Media Inc Jesus, her Hygiene rating is at 15 percent? What the fuck does 10 percent look like? Which is ironic, because nothing in the world is capable of making a person feel this sad and alone. Blackspears Media Inc "Before we do this, you should know I'm keeping a shit-covered time traveler prisoner in my basement.

You might be thinking, "The creator was probably some misfit kid with bad taste in cartoons whose brain was hijacked by puberty. Cut him some slack! The creator, Sim-Man, is still working on it. He returned to this game ten years after its debut to release a full version with more locations, features, and creepiness than any 20 people should confusedly masturbate to. He's currently working on a new game called Simgirls Lovemore , because Japan will not be content until you can have sex with literally everything you shouldn't.

What's that say in the creator's profile? We set out to find the most bonkers sex games from Japan, and number one is from boring, polite old Canada? It's like they say: Love knows no bounds, and perversion knows no borders. Adam Koski's short film might not be as creepy as some of these games, but it tries, dammit! How can such successful financial moguls make such terrible financial decisions? Some people know you can only break the rules by following them to the letter.

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The 6 Most Insane Video Games About Dating |

Please enter a Username. I agree to the Terms of Service. Add me to the weekly newsletter. Add me to the daily newsletter. Link Existing Cracked Account. Use My Facebook Avatar. Add me to the weekly Newsletter. Our story starts on 4chan, which you might assume is incapable of producing anything heartfelt or genuinely touching. After striking up a discussion around a sketch of cute girls who all happen to have disabilities, a handful of 4chan users banded together to turn the concept into a dating sim.

It sounds like a recipe for demeaning fetishism, but the final product is anything but.

5 Video Games About Sex

Katawa Shoujo may be a game about a young guy surrounded by a harem of disabled girls, but it treats the circumstances with the utmost respect. Its message is clear: Disabled people are just people, with talents, flaws, and aspirations just like any of us. It just goes to show that some 4chan regulars are capable of feeling and evoking genuine empathy. An androgynous alien and the protagonists from various Namco IPs.

If you've ever transferred between schools, you probably know about the trials and tribulations of being the new kid, just trying to fit in as you get your social bearings. And if you've ever been to an arcade, then you definitely know what it's like to feel sexually attracted to Pac-Man's voluptuous sprite and the curvaceous Galaga ship. Namco High combines those two awkward phases into one wonderful experience.

As an exchange student from the Katamari universe, you find yourself in detention with ne'er-do-wells, mean girls, and outcasts from all over the Namco universe. I can safely say that, without any doubt, this is the only game that lets you befriend and possibly romance Richard Miller from Time Crisis. I was also unaware that the Taiko no Tatsujin drums could be such divas until I delved into Namco High. Someone was clearly Namco High when they conjured up this idea - but given the intriguing end result, I'm not complaining.

Take the classic film The Great Escape , then amplify any homoerotic undertones to their absolute limits. What you get is Luckydog1, the tale of five infamous mafiosos who endeavor to bust out of prison, possibly taking the time to make sweet love to one another along the way. Tough-guy bravado is all well and good, but when you get two handsome convicts alone in a room together, well anything can happen. As Gian, an Italian member of the Cosa Nostra CR-5, you must use your adept jailbreaking skills to bail out your four CR-5 brethren who, coincidentally , are also your four potential love interests.

This ain't a baseball game, but you've gotta decide: Will you be a pitcher, a catcher, or both? Look, I've never been to prison, but if the taxpayer's dollars are spent on helping inmates determine their sexual preferences, so much the better. What other game lets you fawn over men with extremely - extremely - pointy faces?

You step into the shoes of an introverted year-old, who finds himself surrounded by attractive men who look like Egyptian sarcophagi faces come to life. Yes, Gakuen Handsome is purposely silly, and its main love interests are parodies of the all-too-typical dating sim archetypes. The dour rich kid, the flirtatious teacher, the bad-boy jock, the mysterious transfer student - they're all here, and they all look like someone grabbed their face and violently pulled downwards. If you've secretly had a crush on Jay Leno all your life, Gakuen Handsome is your dream come true.

Hatoful Boyfriend has been mystifying gamers since , achieving such infamous cult status that it somehow made its way onto the PS4. It's a simple tale portraying what happens when a high school girl and pigeon become more than just friends. If you've never imagined what it would be like to start a relationship with a pigeon, then I have two questions: What's wrong with you, and wouldn't you like to know what you've been missing?

In Hatoful Boyfriend, you step into the shoes of a female student at St. PigeoNation's Institute, which is basically private school for urban birds. As the only human to walk through St. PigeoNation's halls, you've got plenty of feathered potential suitors to choose from. For instance, will you fall for the empathetic rock dove? Do badboy fantails make you go weak in the knees?

6 Japanese Video Games That Will Make Your Head Explode

Should you dare to start a forbidden romance with your teacher who is also a quail? It's entirely up to you - just make sure you don't get your eyes pecked when you move in for the first kiss. Do you wish you were in better shape, but suffer from a lack of incentive? What if every push-up or squat you did had a direct correlation to the affections of an adorable workout buddy?

Burn Your Fat With Me!! Your exercise routine becomes the means of progression through a dating sim, which some gym rats might call an accurate representation of reality. Think you could do 50 sit-ups in three minutes if it meant going out on a date?

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  • Of course you could! You might start this ingenious app as an undefined ball of flab, but by the end of the game, you'll be fit as a fiddle. When people ask you how you got into such great shape, just tell them the truth: You won your trainer's heart with your stick-to-itiveness and discipline. The game dubs this impetus "movation" - and as an appreciator of puns, I've got to give props for that one. Steven Spielberg is one of the most respected directors in the film industry, but even he couldn't capture the gentle nuance of a tyrannosaurus rex's softer side.

    Jurassic Heart does what Spielberg could not: Even a vegan would fall in love with the carnivorous Taira-kun, a shy T-rex who struggles with performance anxiety. Of all the dinosaurs I've ever known, Taira-kun is the only one capable of serenading me on the ukulele. Here's a tip, ladies: Play your cards right, and you just might be on your way to bringing dinosaurs back from extinction, if you catch my meaning.

    A teenage boy and an alien disguised as the Chief of State. Let me attempt to describe this game as straightforwardly as possible. When aliens invade Earth and destroy the capital of the United States of Nippon, they brainwash the nation's citizens to think that nothing happened. There's just one small change: You play as a perverted guy with a can-do attitude.

    Will you endeavor to boink the most powerful woman in the world? Or does your heart truly lie with the likes of Irina Vladimirovna Putina? When the world's leaders all look like prepubescent girls, politics become a hell of a lot more interesting. The photo is then further ruined by the unusually large mosquito photobombing them because, again, you're a dick. But it's mostly about the creepy voyeurism. Animal Leader was a game developed by Nintendo for the Nintendo 64 console that was so bizarre, they decided they wouldn't even bother trying to sell it outside Japan.

    However, the game was later picked up and translated by another company for the GameCube, and they renamed it Cubivore: Survival of the Fittest , since it's supposed to be based on the concept of natural selection if Darwin had been extremely high when he came up with it, or just Japanese.

    The game is perfectly summed up by its trailer , where we can see a group of little cube-shaped pigs peacefully playing together Japanese pork chops are shaped like Wendy's hamburgers. Seriously, watch the trailer so you can hear the blood-curdling screams of that pig. And then the horrifying silence as its head snaps off. That's literally what the game is about: You start as a little cube-piglet and slowly evolve into something bigger and scarier by fighting other animals, violently ripping apart their limbs and eating them to gain their powers if that's not how real evolution works, it should be.

    The objective is to become strong enough that you can take on the King of All Cubivores, eat his limbs and take his place. This game is "E for Everyone," by the way. So I can whip out my bone. You can tell by my tone. Seriously, once you've eaten enough body parts and completed the level, you can enter the Love Tunnel , which isn't even a euphemism, because there are literally female cube-animals waiting inside to let you penetrate them. The more "raw meat" you've collected through the stage, the sexier you are to the females and the bigger your orgy becomes.

    And that's not even the most disturbing part: Once you've literally boned yourself to death, you see the corpse of the cube-animal you were just using lying outside the Love Tunnel as you take control of their slightly more evolved offspring. From now on, we're just going to assume this is how Pokemon evolve off-camera, too.

    You can't tell, but he died with a smile on his face, and a massive square boner. Jackie Chan in Fists of Fire: The logical solution would have been to add Jackie Chan as a playable character, since previously you only got to fight him. However, the people who designed this game did not operate under conventional logic, but on some higher Jackie-Chan-powered level of consciousness, so they decided to add not one Jackie Chan This is the "I've clearly just farted" Jackie Chan.

    And then we have "Traffic Control" Jackie Chan. And finally, "Fuck if I know" Jackie Chan. And yes, you can make Jackie Chan fight Jackie Chan and then go on to fight against Jackie Chan, who incidentally is still the final boss or rather, the three final bosses. Legend of Jackie Chan , which probably has some deeper meaning. The other characters aren't actually real, but nobody ever found that out because nobody ever selected one.

    The implication of all this is that in this game, Jackie Chan is omnipresent, omniscient and possibly even omnipotent. You see, unlike other fighting games, this one makes it perfectly clear when you beat Jackie Chan that you didn't actually beat Jackie Chan -- when you win a fight, he immediately jumps back, having sustained no harm, and says something like "Good fight!

    Meanwhile, all the other characters simply lie on the ground in the same situation, dead or defeated. But evidently not good enough to dampen my enthusiasm of your 'victory. And if you complete the game, the final ending for all the characters is exactly the same: The plot of Eastern Mind: Your character has lost his soul, so he borrows the soul of a friend for 49 hours and sets off to the island of Tong-Nou to recover his own. It's the version of The Brady Bunch they make you watch in hell. The game itself isn't any saner. The "island" of Tong-Nou is actually a giant green glowing head floating in space, which is modeled after the lead designer of this game.

    You can enter the head through any orifice, so in that sense it's a good thing that he didn't decide to include his whole body, we guess. This may be a little awkward Entering the head takes you to a series of long mazes filled with Myst -type logic puzzles that lack any logic.