Dating experiences in japan

Unlike Japan, California is a true melting pot of cultures but since I had so little dating experience back home, I was nervous about getting into the dating scene .
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But actually I am going to argue the reverse: I admire the grace and beauty of Japanese women and am more than aware of their considerable diversity, from demure kimono-clad Kyoto ladies to the unfettered, boisterous personalities so associated with Osaka. I realize you can find everything in Japanese womanhood, from power-dressing politicians and brilliant authors to tech entrepreneurs.

How a love of Japan led me to stop dating its women

If my circumstances in life were slightly different — if, say, I was living in a Western country working for a Western firm, or if I was looking to form a bridge to Japanese culture — I have no doubt that having a Japanese partner would add a fascinating extra dimension to my life. The reason, however, that long ago I found myself seldom aspiring to be in a relationship with Japanese girls has to do with the manner in which I connect with Japan itself, a culture in which I have always searched for a version of personal freedom.

Somewhere in the cultural differences between Japan and the West I felt that I could define my own personal sense of self. Having a Japanese partner, I repeatedly discovered, unbalanced this sense of freedom. No longer was I in control of my relationship with Japan; now I tended to feel more like a prisoner in a relationship with a foreign culture from which I could not escape.

The only way I could truly enjoy and develop my love for Japan, I concluded, was by excluding my love life from that cultural relationship. Let me take you back to the beginning, though, when in my mids I came to study and live in Japan as a graduate student.

Like so many other Western men in Japan, I soon discovered that at the age of 25 I was dating a drop-dead gorgeous Japanese girl of such loveliness that I had to pinch myself to believe she could be interested in my shabbily dressed self. Having endured undergraduate years in England where I was barely able to find a girlfriend of any description, this sudden transformation of fortunes should perhaps have been enough to have immediately made me seal the deal with the heavenly Japanese girlfriend, who was only too keen to settle down together.

But somehow I dithered, feeling correctly that my romantic career was only just beginning.


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  • Dating In Japan: Foreign Women Share Their Stories.

There were several reasons why I started losing interest in dating Japanese women, but the main one was my deepening involvement with Japanese culture. By then I felt quite comfortable — indeed, slightly bored — in an exclusively Japanese world. I was spending all week in university libraries, taxing my brain, reading Japanese books. I wanted to head off to the bars and clubs of downtown Osaka and hang out with exciting girls from all over the world. And there were so many of them! My feisty Korean girlfriend was a constant source of cultural bewilderment to me, exploding into a fury if I did not fulfill her strange demands — she once took off a stiletto and hurled it across a train station foyer at me — and yet suddenly switched to mawkish tenderness.

After all the excitement of these girlfriends, my periodic return to the arms of Japanese girlfriends seemed like interludes of Zen-like stillness. And yet pursuing a relationship with someone from another East Asian country was never really an option — I was too devoted to my studies in Japan to have time for another major cultural commitment. But if I can agree the surface, I can't agree the bigger picture. Note that this is just an opinion, based on my experience, observation and the collection of other people's experience.

Japan is no exception.

Dating In Japan: Foreign Women Share Their Stories - Savvy Tokyo

Let me explain my point. I am a strong disbeliever of any cultural explanations. I don't think Japan has a thing that make its people a different brand. Being Japanese, or Chinese, or French, doesn't make a big difference. And fact are that dating is first and foremost the meeting of two creature with good communication or a common goal, in other word: So the problem of how hard it is to date is three folds: And then we can find most of the elements you've rightfully mentioned: It is not Japanese are shy, it is that acting bluntly will make them look like barbarians!

How deep such behavior is then interriorized depends on people… Sure it creates a barrier to those of more direct society. Or at least, some of them… But isn't the same in any hyper urban societies?

2. Dating in Japan as a foreign man:

Japanese or not, in Japan or not. And overall, dating is like searching your lost home keys… They are always in the last place you searched, by definition! You'll complain while searching, you don't care anymore once you found. You can of course say that it all comes down to personalities.

But then the question will be this: Identical twins are known to develop different personalities depending on the environment they grow up in. They may share some common traits, their personalities won't be exactly the same. Nurture does affect your personality. Also, different cultures have different sets of social rules. When you go to a grocery store in France, you are expected to say 'bonjour'. Failing to do this will be seen as rude and antisocial. In Japan, this is not necessary.

There are numerous hidden rules like this in different cultures and not understanding them make it harder for you to deal with local people. If you are from a culture similar to Japan, your dating life won't be that much different. However, if your cultural values are very different, you are likely to have a harder time. It is more realistic to say that it's your innate personality tendency AND culture that affect your dating life. It's neither 'completely nature' nor 'completely nurture'.

Hi and thanks for your comment at the Japanese Rule of 7 Facebook page. You've got a great site here, and I think you and I are addressing many of the same issues related to living in Japan. I look forward to reading more of your stuff. Feel free to drop me a comment on my site as well.

There is such a thing as black Europeans yknow, Arab Europeans Germany has had a large Turkish population for decades asian Europeans etc. Europe doesnt have just one ethnic group. And besides small differences due to background they generally conform to the larger culture. Some Europeans don't consider whites, or Caucasians in America, as Europeans. I assume it is the same for Africans and blacks, or African-Americans.

This is because they don't normally use the terms blacks or whites to describe themselves but since we I am African-American btw uses these to describe ourselves, that's just what is used now. I must belong in Japan instead of a western country then. I want to meet a girl, get to know her, then ask her out.

I'm not really into asking out random girls, seems creepy. Don't see the point in asking out someone I don't know much about. I disagree with how you portray and talk about western women.

I am a western woman and I strongly dislike that you seem to think you can just meet me and then ask me out. This is one of the creepiest things Japanese guys do. Just approach me and without knowing anything about me say they want to date me. And FYI dating in Japan is very difficult for western women, I am one and I talk with many many others and it is an often lamented fact. The how's and whys would take forever to explain but it is what it is.

I stay here for my job which I love and my lifestyle but have totally written off ever dating a Japanese man after the nightmarish past six years! Thank you for you feedback. I have a question: Or maybe you don't like to be approached only by certain types of men? I think it's party selection bias. I know a lot of western women who don't have any difficulty dating in Japan.

I interviewed a lot of them for my book, so I know their stories in detail.

The Shocking Truth About Dating in Japan as a Foreigner

Maybe western women you know are more comfortable with hanging out with other western people, while the ones I know tend to socialise with more diverse people, including Japanese guys? It's just my guess though. The biggest issue is probably the language barrier. Being a foreign woman and trying to date in Japan comes with its own benefits and problems, all of which can deeply impact your emotional well-being — even down to how long you will stay in the country. I grew my hair out, changed my wardrobe completely, tried to be more delicate in my mannerisms — but all that did for me was empty my wallet and leave me doubting my own self-worth.

Helpless cute girl

So, I reached out by email to 40 different women of various ethnicities ranging in age from , that were raised in the U. That being said, I can remember feeling like I was always having to be a model woman — like if I had to blow my nose I was just gross or wrong. With my guy, there was a huge language gap.

1.5 And to meet Japanese Gentlemen (well, guys)

We met through Tinder, and he could write pretty well in English, but when we actually met in person, not so much. It was hard, no, it was awful, and we ended up breaking up because neither of us was happy in the end. Well, one of these guys texted me 2. It was almost a weekly occurrence.

But one time, I was in a rush and cut in line and my Japanese boyfriend said it was a stupid thing to do. But sometimes I just want to let loose. But being a black woman often means being pegged as sexual.


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