Be wary of online chat Online dating is not a quick fix We make bad decisions in online dating.
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- 10 Reasons I Quit Online Dating | HuffPost
- The Science of Dating: why we should stop dating online
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- 6 Reasons Why Looking for a Relationship Online Is a Bad Idea
Hold out for an awesome mature loving man. I believe they are out there. I mistakenly signed up for a site and have been bombarded with too many "check the out" messages in just 2 days. I don't want to have this much thrown at me. In the past, you might meet 1 a week or less at a party or bar. I can deal with that.
10 Reasons I Quit Online Dating | HuffPost
It's nice to read that I'm not alone in being horrified at online dating. Some of us just don't get anything from viewing photos or reading texts and want to actually meet someone in the real world and get know a real-live person. Unfortunately, the online dating crap has oozed into the real world and made men think they can approach women in the real world the same way as online. They want to hook up immediately, have no conversational skills, act strangely and admit bizarre desires too readily come on dudes, fantasy roleplaying isn't for everyone.
Sadly, I think this social retardation and attempt at turning women into holes-on-demand are here to stay and women have really lost out on the best of men. I will definitely be buying a cat! I tried it off and on for years after getting divorced and had zero success. It was very hard to get a date in the first place, maybe I would meet one woman out of a hundred messages sent if I were lucky. I was rarely attracted and the couple I liked didn't feel the same.
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It's such a waste of time compared to just screening for someone face to face when you know in a split second you're attracted and would like to go on a date. Finally after I gave up and got on with my life I met someone the old fashioned way who is beautiful and kind. The worst thing about online dating and social media is it's conditioning people to move online and creating social retardation. I tried chatting up a lot of ladies in public places and trying to line up some potential dates with no success and often they reacted like they were being hit on by an axe murderer.
I've heard this from many other men. So people are being conditioned to meet online when it sucks and the old fashioned way of meeting is becoming less viable. The only people happy are the ones profiting from people trying in vain to meet someone online. I tried to get a partner "offline" but two years of trying didn't bring anything to me so I decided to go online. I am 20 years old. My online experience wasn't that great anyhow.
The Science of Dating: why we should stop dating online
But I have trouble meeting men offline. And by trouble , I mean, I don't meet men. I also don't have any friends who could introduce me to people or hang out with me somewhere. I have met over complete losers on line. Liars, married men, disgusting drunks and pigs. I am in my mid 50's and in pretty good shape, educated, own my own home, drive a sports car and most say funny and nice to be around.
I get dates, but almost all of them were with men I would never consider in real life. I put forth an honest and open profile with recent pictures. I get lots of responses from foreign scam artists, men seeking sex and slimy creeps who look and speak like they just crawled out from under a rock. Unkept, and lonely old men pretending to me within my age range looking for arm candy or a caretaker. Men pretending to be rich and important while living in a trailer. On line dating may work for sad lonely people who stick to their own kind, but for the rest of us, its downright pathetic.
It took months for her to admit what she was and I originally believed I had settled in spite of having lots of money, half decent looks but the fatal flaw of having very low self esteem - very easy for her to walk all over me- she was in essence not really good looking which I felt was a good thing.. It's been 6 years since then I'm 60 plus and after raising my own 2 children alone I'm willing to stay alone.. I'm never willing to come to any woman's rescue no matter how convincing she is.
I'm better alone and OK with that So the online predators are not just GUYS. A very well written article which capsulates beautifully the real essence of Internet dating. I have personally tried Internet dating several time, always on the recommendation of others normally content couples who have no idea about the complexity of dating. Each time I have tried, I have always regretted it and felt that I was selling myself out and putting myself up for a fall.
It's very soul distroying, particularly if you get no responses or the only responses are from sleazy, inappropriate individuals that send generic messages. It's unfortunately similar to a "meat market" where you are judged on your looks rather than on your merit. I find also that the prolonged emailing of a "potential match" is a bad idea as it allows you to formulate a picture of the individual, therefore, when you eventually meet in person, that individual does not live up to your expectation.
It's similar to reading a book and formulating an image of the individual character, visualising how they look, act and sound. However, when watching the film adaption,that illusion maybe shattered when seeing the chosen actor. A classic example of this is the character Christian Grey.
I think Internet dating has had it's day. The genuine, quality individuals that once used the site sppropriately have left and made way for trolls and sleazy individuals. Oh well, that's life. Each time I have tried I have always regretted it and always felt that I was selling myself out and putting myself up for a fall. It's a little soul distroying, particularly if you get no responses or the only responses are from sleazy, older individuals that sent you a generic message.
It's unfortunately similar to a "meat market" where you are judged on your looks rather than your merit. I find also that the prolonged emailing of a "potential match" is a bad idea as it allows you to formulate a picture of the person and when you eventually meet in person, that individual does not live up to your expectation. It's like reading a book and visualising what the individual character would look and act like, and having that illusion shattered when you see the the film adaption where the actor is not what you visualised It is scarier than loneliness.
What if the nice person gets serious and it is hard to get away? But online dating is not dating per se, but meeting someone who could exude the same vibrations as you. You don't immediately strip down to your undies to anyone you meet online.
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In fact meeting online is probably even a better way of getting to know each other before having and eyeball-to-eyeball. I've come to discover that online dating is a scam. If you've ever browsed the Craigslist personals, it isn't about dating; It is the passive form of Craigslist. Where Craigslist is the left brained masculine aggressive ads of prostitution—dating sites are no different. They are the right brained feminine passive ads of prostitution.
If you are a real person looking for real love, and you are unaware, you could enter into the world of fantasy hooking up and believe it to be reality—winding up raped, manipulated, and abused. I agree with your hub to an extent, although I also agree with your point that there are exceptions. One of my best friends met her husband online and they have 2 daughters and a happy marriage. None of my online dating experiences turned into anything more than a few dates, though. I do have some pretty funny stories that came out of it.
I ended up meeting my husband at church. In my experience, meeting online is tough because you don't have the benefit of mutual friends and acquaintances, etc, and I agree with you that people do often lie and misrepresent themselves. To each their own, I guess, but it wasn't the right path for me. I agree with this article and it is spot on,get used to rejection and also being able to reject someone. I'm actually a pretty woman and in great shape my biggest hurdle is that I am conservative and yes most of these guys are looking for hookups. I state this in my profile and men still try, the worst is when they shame me and say I am no fun, I'm beginning to think men prefer whores.
Those complaining about the people they find on dating sites should also look into their own behaviors, what they're writing in their profiles, how they're responding to people, and how their personal filters are working. I've always been able to find massively intelligent, kind, grounded, and real men online OKCupid, mostly , as have many of my girlfriends. I'm married to one right now, as a matter of fact. I wrote him, which is not my usual style, but it sure as hell paid off in this instance.
But it takes a lot of patience and you need to put out there what you want in return. I also agree with the author that getting addicted to it is hugely dangerous, just being addicted to FB, your iPhone, etc. Not all men are like what is described in this article. Nor are all women the cliches that are easy to think. I'm a shorter guy, and all it takes is patience and trying to not get upset by how lame us humans can be. I don't put up how much I make which is a lot because it automatically helps weed out the women I would never want to date.
Little things like that can help. I'm often surprised by profiles I read, then see the woman doing some of the very things she complains about guys doing. Another is to not set up impossible expectations based on the false romantic tinsel that we all grow up on in this country of ours. That's not a bad thing at all; it's reality. Once you accept that, you have a better shot at both online dating and staying with someone you meet. People window shop forever online, which is the biggest problem with it.
People also think that there's always something better than what they have, something better just around the corner. This is a basic human condition, unfortunately, but it can be worked around. I've had a few truly amazing relationships from women I met online. They didn't work out but we're all still friends, and there's no difference between the amount of breakups and divorces on the offline vs.
I'd been to different online sites since , and on my first year of being in there lets say I did found a few real men, some of them are my good friends. But I am not looking for friends, I am looking for a Boyfriend, but all I got was false hope and scams and lies. So I minimize my logging in to the dating sites and on I met a guy. He is a nice guy and a member of a Christian Community.
Though he is not into social media sites our communication is kind of old fashioned way. He sent me a post card last year for my birthday, and we still talked with each other until now through text message or email. I don't hope for the real one between us because I might get disappointed, if life favors one day and it will come true I will be greatful. But if not it will be fine with me. Love comes when you least expect it. I run and own my own business and I study aswell but I always find a balance for a social life.
I have always tried in relationships but it's usually after months I truly find out who those men are truly like then it ends up in a break up because it was a lie. Advertising of dating sites is bs and should check their members better. It's here to stay whether we want those changes it brings or not. So I'm glad to see all this conversation and wish more than 1 in 5 long lasting relationships were people meeting online. I loved the slow nurturing way of old fashioned dating. But times change and now we do internet dating. If you're expecting a text message, it's still a kind of "date.
No substitute for eye contact which can tell you all you need to know. If you go into the online dating thing, just know you're taking a chance and that the imagination is much more active than reality is. Nice looking people are not always as nice as they look on the outside and getting to know someone is not as easy as sending off a text message. Our society needs to be comfortable to be single or you can't be comfortable with someone else as well. Most "men" in "real" life just want to hook up with a girl so he can bang her that same night.
If it's such a concern, then why make it possible? In this day and age, technology has advanced rapidly, so why not use it? It's perfectly alright to go on Facebook using a smartphone, so why shouldn't it be ok to meet someone online and have a relationship with them?
It sucks that you're apart, but from an emotional point of view, it can be life changing. If you arrange to meet up at some point, that would kick ass. In this day and age, it's not such a big deal. I met someone too that I'd like to meet. Doesn't matter if you meet in "real" life or not, what matters is that you trust each other and bond with one another.
I wish I read this two years ago when I was going through a bad patch of dating online. Sadly where I live they are no men so the only choice I had was to go online. But after three disastrous meet ups I would never consider doing that again. I'm happier alone and if I'm destined to be alone then so be it.
Excellent hub and very good valid points. Yes, it's still best to meet someone in the real world by doing something you enjoy -- playing golf, taking a cooking class, reading at the library, or performing in community theatre. Online dating definitely favors those who are attractive and extroverted.
If you're an older women 40 plus , it's especially disheartening because the men your age want someone 20 years younger! I myself never tried the online dating scene but I think the bar scene was just as bad. I love what you shared about people always looking for "attractive" people. This tends to be how society rules the world. I think people are much more fascinating when they allow themselves to just be who they are. If you can't find people that want to be with you, do a self examination. If there are changes that better you, meaning, you ditch the negative thinking that drives people away, then make the change.
Don't ever change who you are, just because you think you aren't good looking enough. It's too bad that the guys who've had bad experiences with online dating can't somehow meet the ladies who've also had the same bad experiences online! Where can good single men and women find each other if they're not venturing online? Women stay with men that abuse them and treat them like shit, its almost as if they want that, id rather be single than date some ratchet masochest or some woman that thinks they're better than me because they got a lil money. Thanks for writing this article. Bottom line, online dating is not what it was when some of these commenters met their loves.
If you have a brain and are not looking for a hookup online dating can damage your view of society. It would be nice if more people let the few good people that are seriously seeking relationships to get out of their houses and stop waiting for an email saying here I am. Thought you had read my mind. What an interesting take on this subject I'm just beginning to forage my way into the world of dating again and I'm not really sure where to begin.
I guess online sites are NOT the way to go huh? I think you are right.. Online dating is a very bad idea. Almost everyone is fake. I always tried to stay away from online dating sites. I didn't blame you. I simply said that "if" this is true then There are tons of people on these sites who are impatient and get bored with whatever "get to know you" strategy exists and want to quickly move to face to face.
Others don't put effort into asking questions that might reveal something about the person's character and are more interested in how funny he is or whether or not he also likes to go hiking. This certainly can account for the negative experiences a person has had on dating sites.
It's your job to figure out if that's you, not mine. Most people have difficulty honestly evaluating themselves to try to figure out how much of their negative experiences in life is something they can actually control and fix. I just don't think it's a very balanced assessment. The upside is that I don't think the majority of your readers are necessarily looking for a balanced assessment. Humans love to commiserate. In my opinion, sometimes what we need isn't what we want. I'm sorry you feel that my hub is "arrogant.
I do not write hubs to tell people what to do, they are free to do as they wish and even if I did, so what?
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People can make up their own minds. The point of this hub is to share my experiences with online dating that show the uglier side of it. I have a right to do that. I also find it interesting that you essentially blame me for my bad experiences. Did you read my profiles? Did you monitor my actions on these websites? Because if you did, then you would be qualified to judge my "efforts" and why I had the experience I did. There definitely are men online who are looking for an actual relationship. I was one of them. I met someone online and we are happily married now with 3 kids.
I would argue that the quality of the candidates online is no worse than that found out in the "real world". Online sites give you an opportunity to vet the other person before you meet, which I found to be incredibly valuable. This works in your favor, because people who are just trying to have sex won't have the patience for significant back and forth emails or the wade in slowly model you find at eHarmony. If you're not putting effort into vetting your "candidates" then that may be a significant reason why your experience was so bad. This is a great thing in disguise.
In the dating world, the sooner you find out about a person's character flaws the better! When you catch one lying or being generally shallow or scummy, say "thank you" and walk away! They just did you a huge favor! Instructions on how to write an interesting profile that catches someone's attention is not at all the same thing as instructions on how to be someone else.
It's just not the same thing. If those instructions bleed into emails, phone calls, and face to face then that's problematic. If it just applies to making a good profile then what's the harm in that? Dating online is not for everyone. Rejection can certainly come at a pretty fast clip because you have so many more potential candidates. In a bar or in life in general , you are rejected just as many times. You just don't see it or feel it. But, if you are the kind of person that recognizes that people walk away for all sorts of reasons including their own brokeness, you will be less affected by that and this model will work for you.
My problem with this article is the message that online dating is for no one. I think this is a very arrogant statement. It would be better to let people find their own path. I would rather see you share your experience without deciding for them what to do. Hopefully that makes sense. I didn't ever lie in my profile and I actually do look like my pictures in "real life"… With that said is this…. I'm a 31 year old male. It seems many women have a "cyber bubble ego". Meaning that if there not interested they won't message you back. Which is pretty rude, considering most women would NEVER deny you like that in real life, nor would they even get the amount of attention they are getting online once they step out there front door.
It's a security complex of sorts. They like the attention there getting from guys. I'm 6'1' in very good shape. Masters degree, great job and have my life together well. The dates Ive been on were ALL jokes. Within the first 15 minutes the women were already lying about something. One said she was 28 years old, ended up being 35 years old and still married living with her husband. Go figure, meet this girl up for Sushi. She looked like her picture all was well. Planned on doing something after lunch.
When the bill arrives she leaves to the bathroom for over 25 minutes no joke I end up paying the bill. She finally comes out and says "ooohhhh my girlfriend said she needs to meet up with me" I need to go to her house… Well she left her I-phone on the table and I could see her text messages as she was going through her purse. Online dating is a pathetic joke. Seems like it's for desperate people who are lazy in all honesty being blunt. I realized the signs to finally remove myself from online dating and do it the real and right way.
I have found online dating to be inconsistent and mostly frustrating. It's interesting how women who write so positively of themselves find themselves on these websites for months, if not years. For the person who is genuine, honest and is truly interested in finding ONLY one person, it's a daunting task. Women seem to love and thrive on all the attention and if they're narcissistic, well, they're in heaven. For the simple man hoping to meet someone, they have to 'compete' with numerous others for women who would normally not get all the attention in a non-online dating avenue.
One women mentioned that she didn't like all the attention because she couldn't imagine the 30 guys standing in front of her at one time who emailed her that day alone! It's superficial and used by most men and women as an ego boast with artificial ramifications. All a woman has to do is place a pic with herself with puckered lips and wham-o, hundreds of idiots will comment. What is most hurtful is to find out that a women who you believed was only dating you, is still maintaining a profile and enjoying the attention. It's artificial and creates a false-sense of confidence thinking that just because many people view your profile or 'want to meet you' that you are now the talk of the town.
I did meet a women online and dated for several months, only to find out that she still maintained an active profile and had over emails present when she accidently shared a pic from an email on her account. Trust is everything in a relationship and with all the social media and tricks people play hiding information from those they are involved with, it's a nightmare being in the dating world of modern technology.
Just as you can meet a liar or a guy only looking for sex at a bar, work etc. Online is a bit of a minefield. People do lie or 'exaggerate' shall we say. I had dates where the guys said they were 'intelligent, tall, witty, charming, good looking, funny'. Some are just plain odd, never had girlfriends, they would have no chance in a bar, so you have to wonder why they are online.
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You would think it was easy, it does all the work for you pictures, interests, no awkward opening line. But guys mess around too. Some endlessly view your profile, don't have any text or pictures, wink or don't make the first move. Then you exchange and couple of emails and they disappear!
You want to look attractive and interesting, guys just make smutty comments or ask you out for a drink without really getting to know you. Shame there isn't a way to filter less serious people. Especially when you are paying for the privilege. I'm a smart, attractive, funny, easy going, brunette with a lot to offer, but I don't get that much attention. Guess guys are going for the younger, easy blonde bimbo types. I am looking for a relationship not sex or casual. What has happened to men I wonder?
Excuse me, but I didn't choose to meet up with someone to have a one-night stand Does a woman ask to be raped? I am not blaming men, but rather warning women that not everything is as it seems on these dating sites based on my own personal experience. Men do that too, they go for the hotties and complain they don't get responses.
Both genders are at fault. Sorry to hear about your experience Linda, but even when you meet the old fashioned way, you still need to be wary until you feel certain you know the other person well! You are spot on with every observation you've made. I have experienced ALL of that and more with on-line dating websites.
I have done the long-distance thing and ended up discovering down the road that "my boyfriend" was "dating" 5 other women long-distance , as well as sleeping with several women living in close proximity to him , all while LIVING with a woman!!! I am for meeting the "old fashioned way" I met my wife online 6 years ago. In fact it's reported that 1 in 5 new relationships began online.
Online dating is just another option or tool for meeting new people. The internet did not invent liars and cheaters! The same people you'd meet online also go to the grocery store, beaches, parks, concert halls, nightclubs, universities, malls, and churches. At the end of the day you are responsible for the choices you make.
Don't blame the tool! Another common mistake people make is they assume all dating sites are the same. That's like believing staying at a Motel 6 is the same as staying at The Ritz Carlton hotel because they both offer cable TV and have beds. You have to do your research. Avoid the "free" or super cheap sites if you want to increase your odds of meeting a "quality" person. Last but not least take your time and get to know people. Use the same commonsense you'd use with meeting a stranger anywhere else. Ok so you think that there are liars only online, and that there are no liars in real life?
Have you tried a dating site? It works for some, not for others. If your ego is fragile, I suppose it is not the best avenue to meet a potential partner. I never really was vested in how a date turned out. Just tried to be open. I had a couple of nice dates. One guy decided to go home and take a nap when I told him I didn't do casual sex.
The dates turned out that there was no mutual interest, or the guy was interested but I was not. A couple of guys lied about their height. I am an attractive woman and in good shape, so I was in pretty high demand. But, I didn't meet anyone who was a good fit. Although, a couple of the guys were really nice, and one will most likely remain my friend. If you truly don't go in with the agenda that this HAS to be 'the one' and you can not get caught up in fantasy and just meet people, it is fine.
Ultimately, I ended up getting back together with my ex boyfriend neither of us ever got over the other , so my experiment with on-line dating came to an end. I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss it. It is just another way to meet a person, and if you aren't in an area or profession where it is easy to meet people, it can work. I've never felt the need for it, but I understand what you are saying. By the same token, perhaps I should stay away from Hubpages as well? There is no room in my life for liars or deceivers. Life's just too short for that kind of enterprise.
Actually, many women tend to put younger, thinner photos of themselves up I've talked to men who have had these experiences, and I asked them what the women said after they saw that clearly the woman lied about her weight, age, etc. They told me that these women thought that maybe the guys could get past their appearance and like them based on the conversations they had previously or something along those lines. Sadly, nobody likes being lied to and the fact that the guy had been lied to on something as important and woman's appearance, it's no wonder guys get equally discouraged from using these sites.
I have never done the online dating thing so I am not sure what goes on there. I'll just ask because I do not know: If they do, I bet it is their very best one. Men are visual creatures and most of them are short-sighted enough to choose a woman based solely upon her physical beauty. Knowing the fairer sex as I do Perhaps women should use an avatar instead of their real photo to force men into seeing what they're really about. Force a man to fall in love with their words, thoughts, character, and spirit. When the time is right, reward him with a photograph and see where that goes.
All men certainly do not think the same way, but you've never been a woman on these dating websites and experienced what I have I don't think it is fair to assume that all men think the same way. It is a very cynical approach. Although some may think that I don't believe that all do. Other than that you made some really valid points. Maybe online dating and online relationships don't work. You really nailed it with this article from the men thinking we're all there for a hook-up to the disappointment if there's not instant chemistry.
It's quite tragic really because ultimately men are passing on women who are a really great catch! I pray that I never let you down and that I will be a source of strength and inspiration for you in the days to come. CJ, it can be a good thing and a bad thing to trust people too soon and to always try to see the good in people, I know because I tend to fall into that category as well. Thank you so much for your kind words, I truly appreciate them! I will certainly follow you as well! A well-written and thought-provoking work of art. You gave us all wise words to live by I only wish I had read this sooner.
I tend to be a trusting soul, but have had the "hard slap of reality" applied to my tender face on more than one occasion. I signed on to "follow" you just now, thinking I already had a while ago. For some reason the silly follow button would not allow me to leave you fan mail. That being the case, I just wanted to say that I appreciate your perspectives and want to thank you for all your classy comments and Hubs.
You are a breath of fresh air. I am not sure if "following" a man is a violation of your personal policy, but if you ever want to take a walk of the wild side by following a man I will reserve a seat of honor at my fire, especially for you. Thank you epigrmman, those are really kind words and I appreciate your input! Life experience can be very valuable, whether that experience is good or bad, sometimes I find the bad experience to be the most valuable!
I would sure love some warm weather here in Ottawa, it's a little cool for me, and I like it warmer. See 9 more comments. Other product and company names shown may be trademarks of their respective owners. HubPages and Hubbers authors may earn revenue on this page based on affiliate relationships and advertisements with partners including Amazon, Google, and others. To provide a better website experience, pairedlife. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.
Looks Shall Always Triumph Over Personality Online dating tends to favour people who are attractive even if they have very little to offer in the way of personality or character. Don't bother with these types or you'll waste your time. Have you ever visited an online dating website? Moral of the Story Alright so I have probably depressed the heck out of you by this point but it's far better that you know what you're up against out there in the online dating world than to get your hopes up only to have them smashed to pieces.
Questions must be on-topic, written with proper grammar usage, and understandable to a wide audience. If looking for a relationship online is a bad idea, what's the alternative? The alternative is to date in person, the old-fashioned way. Feel Free to Share and Vent Below!
Men post 10 y eat old pics all the time.. I remember my one and only online date a few years ago. After about a month online I started texting someone and we seemed to get along. I wished her well meant it and went home a few hundred dollars poorer. I then deleted my account and haven't dated since. Additionally, assuming all that, she still somehow spends an inordinate amount of time with her "hubs," as evidenced by this somewhat angry retort to what she perceived to be -perhaps correctly so - a condescending post: I know dating online or offline can suck.
Just don't give up. Test it and found no one really wants to date just browse. Any suggestions on what to do? I need actual advice for once. Online dating is awful. Happily married to my wife who I have been with for 8 years. Sometimes even the photos are fake and 'borrowed' and god knows what else is not. This is all true. I had a very bad experience and Strongly Testify it. Most of the comment that I received were: I'll choose the best of the best. But I'll break it down: Hey, I tried to get a partner "offline" but two years of trying didn't bring anything to me so I decided to go online.
It's unfortunately similar to a "meat market" where you are judged on your looks rather than your merit I find also that the prolonged emailing of a "potential match" is a bad idea as it allows you to formulate a picture of the person and when you eventually meet in person, that individual does not live up to your expectation.
Hi Rene, I'd been to different online sites since , and on my first year of being in there lets say I did found a few real men, some of them are my good friends. I have been on 3 dating sites Eharmony, zoosk and rsvp All I found that fakes and play boys who have an agenda. Dating sites have too much hype. I have never found a good boyfriend. Hi Rene I wish I read this two years ago when I was going through a bad patch of dating online. I am simply sharing my opinion as others have. As you make matches, swipe past people and possibly converse you start to build an idea of who the person is on the other side of the phone.
You create an ideal, and all of a sudden every little nuance becomes a bigger complexity to who that person is, and how they operate. Mister Amazing loses his luster. He either starts creeping real hard, says something that throws everything off, disappears or just never decides to meet up. If by some crazy force of nature you guys do set a date and meet, chances are he is not who he claimed to be, or who you built him up to be.
His confident demeanor is replaced with one that is far less interesting, and not having the phone as an easy buffer shows you a much different person than the one you thought you had been chatting with. Having someone be presented essentially as a two-dimensional option, rather than a real life opportunity makes them feel much more disposable. I know personally, I looked at everything: There was no energy, no butterflies, no eyes from across the room to say, "Hey, wait there's something special about this one, and we can't put our fingers on it.
It was all brain, and no heart in who I decided to virtually flirt with. You literally became a resume that I could toss into the trash pile without any real thought, or feeling, which isn't how finding our potential partner should work. Sure, whether it's real life or virtual reality, the first thing you notice is how someone looks, but in a real life, you quickly see how someone acts, moves, sounds, etc.
These other important attributes are what creates someone individuality, and takes them from being just anyone to uniquely them. If I didn't like what I saw, I was quick to swipe left. No thought other than, nope, not what I think I like. Hair, eyes, skin color, height, weight all became your stats in a world where I had never used statistics to make my choice of who I might be interested in. Yes, all those things did and do continue to play a part of who I am interested in, but online they became all I saw, and I left little room to be more open-minded than had I been meeting these gentlemen in person.
Sometimes you just don't know you're best angles, and sometimes you do, which is why I always say buyer beware when it comes to what you think you're getting online. While none of these apps call themselves games, it doesn't take much effort to realize that that is exactly what they are. Video games, if you will, where you become the player, and everyone else is the game. They say don't hate the player, hate the game, and that is exactly what ended up happening for me. I hated the game and playing only made me like myself less and less.
Going off the idea that these things are a game with rules, I quickly found myself changing who I was to best "win" at the game. I was holding myself back, I was playing up certain parts of myself, and playing down other characteristics, all so I could be more "desirable. I became who I thought I was supposed to be, not who I was. I acted more way casual, and less emotional than I really am. I put only the best pictures of myself out there, but not what I look like when I wake up in the morning.
I filtered myself in basically every way, and took what makes me uniquely special out of the equation, so I could be more "marketable. It's dishonest, dull and way too technical for something that shouldn't be so systematic. While I didn't realize this till months later, I was simply unhappy with my life.
I was using the idea of dating as an escape from my own life because well, it's an easy distraction, and even easier the more venues, or apps, you have to keep the hunt alive. I don't think this is necessarily true for everyone facilitating these tools, but I do think it's way more common than many people realize. It's another numbing device in the avoidance of ourselves. Focusing your attention on others as a way to not look in the mirror, and find what is truly wrong, hurting or uncomfortable at this moment in our own lives. It's really easy to think that when you find someone a lot of your issues will just subside or disappear, but the truth is until you start to work on you, you'll never be happy, coupled up or single.
One of the hardest things to do is look in the mirror and be honest with yourself because there usually is a lot of sadness, confusion and disappointment. However, when you finally admit this to yourself, you take the first step to changing all of that. Thinking about who I could meet, having numerous conversations with multiple people and trying to keep up with all of it was exhausting.
Call me old-fahsioned, but I think there is something beyond romantic about meeting someone, one person, and courting each other. Finding out about each other, focusing on just him and seeing where it could go. Having Larry, Moe and Curly in the wings just kept me unnecessarily anxious, unfocused and a part of the three stooges.
As I chatted, met and repeated each of these steps with guy after guy, and there even was one named, Guy, I found myself constantly sitting across the table from someone, who wasn't on my page. Maybe it was the guys I was swiping right to, the app I was choosing to facilitate or any other number of reasons, but it seemed like most of these men didn't actually want a relationship.
They wanted someone to have dinner, a conversation or sex with, but not actually a relationship. Winning meant different things to different people, but it never felt like there was two winners at the end of it all, and in my opinion, there is no point in taking part in anything where you don't have two winners.