Aug 27, There are some ways to tell within the first six months of a when they start spending more time together than just two dates a week. This is only going to lead to tension and fights, not the love story that you're expecting.
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- 16 Ways To Unintentionally Ruin Your Relationship By The 6-Month Mark | Thought Catalog
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- (Closed) How long did you date before you had your first fight?
From your descriptions, it's hard to tell whether your critiques of her behavior and clothing come from that neutral, caring voice - though criticizing clothing choices can be really fraught and unless the clothing was genuinely inappropriate ill-fitting or unintentionally revealing I would refrain from doing it. But at the same time, her attacks on you, calling you dumb and belittling you are also not cool. This could be differing communication styles between you, so what you perceive as a request she sees as an order.
Or it could be you're ordering her around without realizing it and she is understandably pissed. But overall, it sounds like you want a relationship where both of you are on the same page about doing things the other wants, and right now you are unable to achieve that.
This is the honeymoon phase of your relationship -- if you can't find a way to ask for what you want in a way that gets you heard, and you can't be a team when you find your way into an argument after a miscommunication, I think the relationship can't last regardless. Others have mentioned this, but replace "told" with "requested with a reason. If you just leave them in the sink they get crusty and more difficult to clean. Shouraku gave a good summary of when "telling" is okay.
Sometimes very high stress situations can result in "telling" in my relationship as well, but it's rare, and it almost always comes with a reason. For example, while driving through a blinding snowstorm in the mountains, the "telling" might sound like "Hon, I need you to turn off the radio because it's distracting and I'm trying to concentrate on driving so we don't die. I should rephrase my wording here. I do not tell her to do stuff. I ask her nicely if she can do that.
For example, I asked her if she can clean the cat water in the sink because of my allergies. But I guess I come off as controlling. I was raised around Indian parents and that's how most of India people are. Part of me also has that controlling trait. I wish I didn't because I want my partner to be happy with me. When I ask her to do stuff, she thinks Im saying it to put her down. But that is the last thing I want to do. Do you view her as an equal, or do you view her as a 'girl' and, thus, you make the rules because you're a man?
I'm a man, but I'd be pissed if I were treated the way it sounds like you treat your girlfriend. Treat her the way you would want to be treated. I'd suggest you start there. Have that discussion with her, but not during a fight, this needs to happen during a time when you are both calm and reasonable and not heated.
Let her know that it is not your intention to control her, but you are just trying to communicate your desires and needs. You just need help doing so in a manner that does not come across as controlling or demeaning. Let her know that when she calls you names like "stupid," that this is also hurtful, and that perhaps the two of you can work on being kinder to each other.
16 Ways To Unintentionally Ruin Your Relationship By The 6-Month Mark | Thought Catalog
Allow me to gently suggest that you keep your opinions about her clothes to yourself. You may believe you are well-intentioned, but criticizing wardrobe choices is a big red flag for a lot of people about issues around power and control. If you don't intend to come across as controlling, zip it. It sounds like you guys might have some cultural differences that are causing miscommunications between the two of you. My guess is that you either have differing ideas about how much control one person should have over the other, or what kinds of things are OK to say to a partner or maybe when it's better to keep things to yourself.
If I was dating someone and they started telling me how they wanted me to clean my house, and what to wear? The relationship would be over so fast their head would spin. I'm an American-born white woman, for what it's worth. Maybe, if otherwise I was crazy about them, and after several months together I knew they were a good person at heart, and there were cultural divides between us, I would give them the benefit of the doubt I'm giving you, that you mean well and there are just differences in expectations, communication styles, etc.
But to be honest, taking away the assumption that it's cultural communication stuff, you come off like a jerk. The things you're asking of her are beyond belief WAY out of the question in an American context. Especially after five months. I'd let my spouse weigh in on how our shared home should be maintained, and I might accept input about my clothes. But the new boyfriend? I think that, for this to work out, at the very least there's going to have to be compromise between the two of you.
Maybe you have an understanding that when you say this stuff, you're asking , not commanding , and she can say no or laugh at you or explain herself or however she wants to respond. Or maybe you guys can map out the boundaries of what's OK for you to ask of her, and what's OK for her to ask of you. Or maybe the answer is that you just stop giving her your input into housekeeping and clothes unless she asks, because that stuff is just totally no-go for her as it would be for me. If you honestly expect her to clean her house your way, and to dress according to your whims, the relationship is probably doomed.
Hey, I'm Indian and a woman, and have dealt with bossy, know-it-all Indian dudes my whole life. Stop bossing her around. If my boyfriend acted like you, I'd have laughed in your face and left yesterday. See, in your update you say you're asking, not commanding, but this: I figured the little things she does, if I tell her she would not do it says that your basic assumption is compliance. You fully expect her to comply with the "little things" you tell her to do or change about herself. This is not a small cultural difference, this is pretty massive.
I dated someone for five years from a culture where this was the norm. He, too, made a perfunctory attempt to be less aggressive in attitude and less "controlling" on the surface, but since his basic habit and assumption was that partners or, mainly the female partner were supposed to make every attempt to please each other, and up to including doing whatever he asked me to to, it was constantly a sort of "why wouldn't you do such a SMALL THING for someone if you truly loved them?
And really, "why can't you do such a small thing" was code for "I am going to test you by asking you to do small thing after small thing after small thing for no important reason except that it sooths my ego and my needs and my convenience. She is probably getting angry and arguing with you because she is hoping you are not really like that and she is horrified to hear this sort of thing coming out of you.
Whether you're asking or telling, trying to influence what a woman chooses to wear in a negative way ie, telling her NOT to wear certain things is something with huge cultural baggage in North America. You can tell her when you think she looks especially nice, but unless she specifically asks you for feedback on whether something is work appropriate, keep any negative thoughts about what she's wearing to yourself. As to whether your relationship is doomed by all this fighting, possibly. It seems like there's a cultural mismatch happening here, and she's pretty clearly not willing to be the one to bridge that divide.
You say you would be fine with her asking you to do things, but it seems to me like she is asking you to stop this behavior, by expressing her displeasure with your requests. And instead of just changing your behavior, you're questioning the legitimacy of her displeasure. Why not take it as a request and try to change your behavior? BTW, some people can date folks with different approaches to relationships and deal with the tension that comes from that - they're fine with the conflict and enjoy the new perspective it brings.
But I don't know if you're one of those people: Oh, and it totally seems right on schedule that this is coming up around the five-month mark. To me, it does sound like there are some cultural conflicts going on. But some of these problems also sound like you guys are young. In that context, I think your arguments sound perfectly normal and don't really mean much about your compatibility. If anything, I think you guys sound pretty great together in that you're being super open with each other and the problems you're running into are largely simple, practical ones.
Anyway, I'm an American woman and I've overstepped with my friends and boyfriends, too, and kind of learned how not to do that through trial and error.
Up until now you've probably had parents, teachers, bosses, coaches, and all kinds of authority figures telling you what to do and training you to communicate within a hierarchy. You're probably both pretty good at that by now, considering she's working and you're in school.
But now you're adults and you're going to have to figure out how to communicate outside of a hierarchy, as equals. It's OK for this egalitarian kind of communication to be new to you, it's new to pretty much all new adults. But because you aren't always going to be in charge, it's going to be something that you have to get good at -- you aren't going to go your whole life within some clear hierarchy, and you're going to have to be able to communicate with any girlfriend or friend or business partner or etc etc etc as an equal. So it's worth getting good at it now, regardless of whether you and this girlfriend end up together forever.
If her not doing what you'd prefer turns into an argument, then even if you worded the request as a question you were still telling her to do it. If you're sharing new information with her and leaving it up to her to decide what to do about that information, then you're pretty safe in assuming that you're not being controlling or rude. If she knows all the information that you do and has made her choice, then you're going to have to let it go.
(Closed) How long did you date before you had your first fight?
So, for example, if she's dressed to go to her job, you don't really have any information to add so there's not really anything you can say about it. Likewise, if you have more information than she does but there's no way for her to use that additional information, it's rude to tell her about it. So, for example, if you guys meet after work and are on your way out somewhere, and you realize that she's got a stain on her skirt, it's rude to tell her about the stain knowing that she can't do anything about it at the moment.
If you're bringing up a possible problem, that can count as "new information.
But even then, you need to give her the space to also propose solutions. Once she decides to go with a certain way of solving the problem -- even if it's not the way you would solve it, or you guys can't agree on how best to solve it -- then you have to give that solution a chance to work before bringing up the problem again. That should all be pretty familiar to you from how you operate at school or in labs. So, for example, if she goes to wash the cat dish in the kitchen sink, you might say, "I'm worried about germs from the cat because I have allergies" That's giving her new information -- there's a possible problem that the cat germs will trigger your allergies.
Then you can propose a possible solution: Then you've got to give her solution a shot. For another example, when you guys were going out for pizza and you knew you were running low on money, you could 1. Or she says she'll treat this time. Or you say never mind, you'll put it on your credit card. It should not be hard. When you're finally with the right person for you, it will not be this much trouble so early on.
You're not going to change. Find someone who likes you just as you are - your well-meaning, controlling traits and all. Your ideal woman should understand the expectations your Indian parents will have of their future daughter-in-law -- she should clearly be someone who can handle unsolicited feedback about her clothing choices, among many other sensitive topics. Does she have the option to refuse your request?
Because if she doesn't, it's not really a request. Don't criticize what she wears, it makes you seem like a jerk just biding time with your unattractive girlfriend until you can find some arm candy trophy girlfriend. Your girlfriend does not want to feel unattractive. IF you want to drop hints for her to dress a certain way, then compliment her when she wears outfits you like. Also be aware that as a low income American young woman, she may have been funding her wardrobe on a tight budget for many years with no help from her parents.
My boyfriend is from a foreign country and used to always have something to say about my clothes low income American woman here. He stopped when I told him that I was leaving him because I was tired of his criticism of my clothes. My parents are from India I am a woman, born and raised in the US and I must say that controlling Indian men is not some ingrained, foregone conclusion, my father, brother, extended family and family friends are not like that at all, and I was not raised that way.
I think this is a stereotype that is remarkably self proliferating though out the diaspora. What I will say is that there is a more "straightforward" way of speaking in Indian and immigrant families that is less common among people who have been in American families for generations.
The "I'm saying this for her own good, and would want her to say it for me" language made me think of this. She doesn't want to engage this way, and finds it infantilizing and controlling. When you guys aren't fighting, you should talk that out. You're young and feeling out relationships, both of you,but I don't think there's some insurmountable cultural codes that you guys can't punch through if you're able to communicate more productively.
It seems as though your point of view is, "if a significant other asks you to do something, you should assume that they're asking out of love because they think it will be helpful to you or to the relationship, and so it's probably a good idea to try to do it. And I think it can actually help here. You say that if your girlfriend asked you to do something, you'd assume she was trying to help, and you'd try to do as she asked.
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Right now, she's asking albeit not directly in words, but through her feelings and reactions you to stop criticizing her. She's asking you not to comment on her clothes or her behavior, and not to give helpful suggestions about how best to do things, and not to tell her what to do. And I think it's totally fair to assume that she's asking you to stop criticizing her because her feelings are hurt and because your criticism is hurting the relationship.
So, by your own logic, because she's asked, you should do your very best to do what she has asked you to do. You should do your very best to stop criticizing her, because that's what she needs from you and that's what she believes would be helpful to the future of your relationship, and she's asking in order to try to help. You're trying to control her. Stop trying to control her. You don't know better than her; you're just more high-maintenance and a bigger pain in the ass--and you seem to think that is means it's okay to boss her around.
I used to work at a bank and I wore a jacket and a skirt all the time. Since you don't describe them, what exactly were you objecting to? Was it not a nice jacket? Was a skirt unacceptable? We have no idea, first of all, if your objections were even reasonable. Skirts can be professional wear, of course. Second of all, having a professional wardrobe is extremely difficult if you're poor-- if she works at a bank, her income can't be that high. You don't have hundreds of dollars to drop on proper skirts and jackets and blouses, even business casual ones.
I used to work at a bank, so I know. Third, what does it have to do with you? She knows what is OK to wear to work. She goes there almost every day, sees what other people are wearing, has a boss who would tell her to change if what she was wearing wasn't appropriate. She can figure it out. If one day she ends up interviewing for a very nice job and you can help her prepare because your high-income background has familiarized you with the etiquette But she has to welcome it, you can't just pile it on her.
I think one important part of what you are saying is that you expect her to have the same attitude as you do. Specifically, you argue that you would happily accept fashion advice yourself. Thats great, but expecting people you are in a relationship to react the same way as you to advice is a route to pain and misery. People are different, and they respond to things in different ways, because of cultural and social norms, and because of their particular history.
Relationships are about compromising your behaviour, and I don't see why you need to tell her about what she is wearing. If she isn't enjoying it, and its leading to arguments, why on earth would you continue? On the cat thing, it seems you may have miscommunicated yourself. If its still a problem, wait until a moment when both of you are calm and relaxed and have a conversation. The last thing that girls want to hear when they hang out with their friends is how obsessed they are with their boyfriend.
It's pretty much the most annoying thing ever. Are you that girl who can't stop talking about your boyfriend? Are you constantly dropping his name into conversations and acting like you have a perfect relationship? When you do this, it seems like you're insecure and covering up the fact that you're not sure that this is the right person for you to be seeing. It's not healthy to be that into the person that you're dating.
You need to have a separate life, too, or it's just not sustainable. It's safe to say that many relationships could work out if each person was always happy, always successful, and never experienced any tough times. Of course, that's not only unrealistic, that's just not the way that life is. Have you and your boyfriend each gone through something difficult during the first six months of your relationship and helped each other? Have you been compassionate and felt more in love than ever? There is a really good chance that this means you two are really meant for each other and that your relationship will only continue in this awesome direction.
Being in love is great and all, but you need other relationships, too. You have to keep hanging out with your friends and making time to see your relatives even when you're in a new relationship. It's not fair to ignore them and freeze them out when they have always loved you and been there for you. You wouldn't want your best friend to ignore you just because she got a new boyfriend. If you don't let your boyfriend see his friends because you want him to see you all the time, or he does that to you, it's not healthy and it's not going to work out between you two.
This is really negative behavior. You spend holidays together, you see each other's families as often as you can depending on where everyone lives, and you are considered a part of each other's families. You all like each other and think that this relationship is the best thing for the both of you. It's not only amazing that you're lucky enough to get along with your boyfriend's family, it's good news for the future of your relationship. After all, everyone wants this scenario, and everyone wants to get married and continue to be part of each other's families and celebrate the good things that happen in life together.
The most important thing when you've been dating a new guy for a little while is whether he calls you his girlfriend. First, you have the talk where you say that you want to make things official, and you don't want either one of you to date anyone else. Then you let the people in your life know that you two are officially a couple. The fact is that when he won't call you his girlfriend and it's been six months, that's a bad sign. That would be true if it had been there months, honestly, because you don't have time to waste and you need to be with a guy who is really happy and who appreciates how great you are.
Being in a relationship definitely means bringing your partner with you to anything that you get invited to. Whether your college friends are having a bash, or it's your annual family Christmas party, or your new friend from barre class is having a birthday thing, you want to be able to bring the person that you're dating. And when he gets invites, he should ask if you want to join him, too. You can be sure that things will work out in the relationship when you invite each other to things that you're asked to attend. It shows that you respect each other, want to hang out with each other a lot and love experiencing social events with the other person.
Hearing your boyfriend say that he never moves in with anyone that he dates isn't the best news ever. It's easy to tell yourself that it doesn't matter because it's only been six months and you're not ready to live together yet. However, in a few more months' time, you might change your mind, and the truth is that he will most likely still feel the same way.
When he tells you that he doesn't move in with girlfriends, he's basically saying that he doesn't want to commit too much and that he doesn't want a future with you. It might seem harsh but this is what he's saying. Otherwise, he would love to talk about living together. He's still trying to impress you even though it's been six months and things are official. He still sends those text messages that you absolutely love getting. He still is super polite to your parents and asks your sister how college is going and remembers the class that is giving her some trouble It's awesome that he is just as sweet as he was when you first started dating each other.
There's no reason why he won't continue to treat you with love and respect as you get even more serious. It's so great to know that you have finally found a great guy. Some couples get engaged after a year and others wait several years, so there are no rules about timeframes for getting serious, and yet it's safe to say that within six months, you should know how someone feels about you. Has it been six months and you're still not sure how this guy feels about you and whether he's serious about you and the relationship?
Things aren't going to work out between the two of you when it's been this amount of time and you're still not convinced that he's interested in committing fully. You should be with someone who knows much sooner that you're the one for him. How do you want to feel when you're with the right guy, the one that you're going to call your person?
You want to be happier than you ever have before, right? Not only that, but when you share this with your boyfriend, you definitely want him to say that he feels the exact same way. If this happens, then you can both say that you have found the person who you are meant to be with.
Feeling this certain within the first six months of the relationship is really good news. You feel so good being with this person and you don't have any doubts. By the six month point of a relationship, you should have forgotten anyone that you ever dated before. Your boyfriend should feel the same way. You should only have eyes for each other and only think about each other, and because you're so in love, you feel like you've always been together.