For ladies, sometimes it is impossible to date a man who doesn't have any sort of income. Living with a man who is supposed to provide but.
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- 3 Ways to Date if You Are Broke - wikiHow
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I realize how sexist this sounds because if the situations were switched I would have no problem having less discretionary money than a guy and letting him make up the difference. All a woman needs to do is mention on an OLD profile how much she enjoys frequent international travel, and all the guys paying child support will get the hint. Nah - that's just toxic.
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What's funny is I had a date with a world-traveler and told her I cannot go to Machu Picchu. I'm afraid of heights, and I did a VR tour of some of those views, and I've been enough places to know that slopes are far, far, steeper than they seem in photographs. Same with the women. I don't have money to travel, and I wouldn't expect men to foot the bill each time.
So I usually pass. I wish I knew, honestly I don't really care how attractive a person is, if their profile comes off as uninspired and generic, I usually swipe left. I like to open with something thoughtful and it's hard to think of something when there's nothing there or it's essentially the same as the last 10 I looked at. I also like to travel but don't do it much because I'd rather get out of debt earlier rather than later, so it's kind of a turn off for me.
Not a hard rule but if I'm ever on the fence that'll tip me left. I would imagine that's fairly important to put out there, given that it applies to the vast majority of the population depending on how you define it. And since to rules out most people anyway, they probably aren't concerned about turning off people by being "generic". Well if that's who you want to date, then that's who you want to date.
I've never really understood this whole "being single is bad" ideology. Why would they mind? I don't think it's bad, certainly I've spent more time being single since college than being in a relationship, by my own choice. It just seems very limiting to me, and personally a potential red flag.
Now that I'm in my thirties I pay more attention to my finances and how I can be secure in the long term for the things that I want house, family, etc I "could" travel more often than I do and certainly travelling is fun, but travelling, especially abroad doesn't seem like a smart way to spend my money at the moment.
So due to the nature of OLD, I make judgements based on what I see and can read, if they travel a lot but don't seem to have the kind of job that supports that, maybe they aren't the best with their money? I'd be wary of that, and I'm by no means unsuccessful in life. But you're right, I didn't mean to come off like being single was bad, everyone is entitled to their ideal qualities in a partner, it was clearly a statement born out of what I personally look for in a potential romantic partner.
Yeah, I mean personally don't find traveling to be to fun. I fucking hate that shit. It doesn't really occur to me that people might actually like traveling. I also don't care whether other people are good with their money, it's theirs, they can do what they want with it. But I also assume these people put that in their profile because they want someone who makes enough money to afford to travel and buy a house in the posh part of town and support a family and send their kids to private school and generally keep them in the style to which they plan to become accustomed.
In my case I was in a 12 year relationship with a "homebody" and as soon as I was free I discovered I love to travel. It's as simple as that for me I am travelling solo for now until I find someone else who likes to travel as much as I do. I don't have a fancy house, fancy cars and am not a "fashionista".
I will go into debit to travel to an extent because I have had a lot of people close to me die and I am all about living live in the now and to the fullest. I fucking gag every time I see shit about traveling. Yes, I enjoy it infrequently and I have money and time to travel whenever the fuck I want, but I don't travel frequently because if people were honest with themselves they would admit that really it's an exhausting pain in the ass and they really travel just to take the goddamn selfies and try to prove to the world that they are more cultured and have a better understanding of the world than everyone else.
But I assume that anyone in my demographic also likes to travel so I don't feel the need to include it in my profile. I love to travel to different places and learn about different cultures, eat different foods, visit different wonders of the world etc. I don't buy it. Plenty of diverse experiences can be had in your home country that don't involve snapping selfies of yourself for show off reasons. Literally 0 people travel these days without constantly telling people about it, showing off pictures and what not.
I really love the Ocean I love snorkeling and kayaking and playing in the waves. We don't have Ocean in Toronto: I'm going to Vegas for my 40th because I like to gamble, party and have been hearing about this place my whole life! Toronto just isn't the same as Vegas. Oh and that time I got to go to India for work? I see this issue as one of learned expectations. I'm a baby boomer. My parents grew up during the Great Depression. They learned to get by in life without luxuries of any kind. Trips were rare and never outside the mainland USA. Plays didn't happen, nor did expensive restaurants. And that was the way I was raised, so my expectations for life are similarly modest.
You see this guy as "broke" but I see him as ordinary and I see a lot of people today as "entitled", "spoiled", "hedonistic". We do have some friends who are a little entitled and likely using credit cards for this stuff. I'd rather miss out than spend money I don't have. I think he's the same. So I'm glad we are compatible in that area.
This is a big part of why I'm not actively dating at the moment. I'm completely broke, pretty much no discretionary money. I have a good job that pays well, but a lot of bad stuff happened in my life and I'm stuck with a large amount of debt. It's going to take me about 4 years at the current rate to clear these debts and in the meantime I have to watch my spending closely. It's hard to have very little money to do fun stuff, but if it's a temporary situation, even if "temporary" means a couple of years, it should be doable.
If it's a really long term situation, then that might be problematic as resentment might grow along the way. In my own situation, I can't really afford to go out and most of my discretionary money is spent doing activities with my son. If anyone wants to date a broke guy, I'm willing though! See this is the part that makes me feel shallow. I would hate to think you were alone for 4 years just because you were getting on your feet.
Maybe find yourself an equally broke girlfriend who's happy to do free stuff with you. Once I get more comfortable with myself, I'll try to find someone who doesn't care if more than half of my paychecks are covering debts. But for the moment, I'm focusing on myself, getting back in shape and paying back as much as I can! I think it's normal to want to go have experiences with a new partner and your friends. And it's tough missing out. Maybe you can occasionally splurge on event tickets or something so you guys can go sometimes?
If a man is broke due to circumstance child support, paying off school loans, getting an education, whatever but he is responsible and hard working then I don't care. Finances can change so as long as they have good character and work habits I don't penalize them for us having met at an inopportune time. If a man is broke because he is a free spender, lazy, reckless, or similar then I won't date him. Those traits are not likely to change and I don't need a project. I mean I think your situation is a good litmus test of sorts for dating. Will make it harder certainly.
And that ultimately the true test is how people respond to the shit. IME it's the opposite. He is broke because he is stepping up to his financial responsibilities. I don't begrudge him for it at all. I'm just wondering if it will become a compatibility issue.
3 Ways to Date if You Are Broke - wikiHow
Sounds like that is totally up to you. Can you accept some sacrifice and also contributing sometimes? Could you afford to make the trips and plays happen? Is this what you mean by saying "if the situation were switched"? I am not even trying to date because I can't provide anyone anything but me, literally, like, me and my company and nothing else. I'm not foolish enough to think that's a workable situation. However, if by "if the situations were switched" you mean that you could pay for trips and plays, but you are choosing not to because it's his place as a man to do that, then yeah, that's hella sexist.
And self-defeating if you really enjoy his company. I was referring more to the hella sexist part. Not so much from my end. I'm worried that it will make him uncomfortable. But I guess that's for him to decide. Yeah, I wasn't saying you were if that wasn't your reasoning. I can see how you might be concerned because I've heard of men feeling emasculated by having women pay for things and also just people in general feeling weird about having other folks pay.
Ha, I mean, I do. Maybe you could ask him if he'd be cool with your paying every so often, so you could just enjoy those things together. Hopefully he knows himself well enough to be honest.
He's a responsible parent. If he weren't, that would be a way bigger deal break than being broke. You did help me: My parents divorced when I was 5. My dad only paid child support half the time. Growing up was a split hair above the poverty line for most of my childhood. If you're dating a guy who has limited discretionary income due to ACTUALLY taking financial responsibility for his kids and not bucking the system, well, he sounds like a pretty okay guy to me.
It doesn't bother me. I make a comfortable living and have enough to pay for myself and him, and have done so. The problem I run into is that after a while he starts to feel bad about it and pull away. I dated a guy for a year and I felt the same way you do in this statement at the beginning but then after I got my end of year bonus and couldn't pay off my credit card bill - I started resenting him: It just wasn't sustainable for me to pay for everything indefinitely.
This is one of my concerns. That he will feel insecure about it and resent me for it. I live in Utah and the culture is still pretty sexist. My ex kind of ruined me for one sided income. I was near broke when we met but I started a business and bulldozed my way to success. In the mean time she decided I was her retirement plan. Wouldn't work, wouldn't lift a finger around the house.
Just walked around with a sense of entitlement. So not the person I first met. What did I do to turn her into this? My advice to you. Broke guy is ok as long as he totally brings it in all other categories and has some plan to stop being broke guy. Do you want a partner or do you want a dependant? Based on her post she doesn't want a dependent, she wants to be one.
It's not cool for him to be broke if she has to make up the difference, but it's okay is the roles were reversed because of course it is. If I got a whiff of that entitlement I would ghost. I don't get that at all from her post. But sure there is still a double standard. She clearly states she wouldn't have a problem if the roles were reversed. She's part of the problem. To me it is more a fact of life than a problem. People might deny and claim to want equality. But everyone knows how things really work. The world is unfair and uneven, we can dwell on unfairness or we can take the hand we are dealt and play it the best we can.
Sorry but I see OP as totally normal. If she were my daughter I would tell her to find a more financially secure guy. If I had a daughter I would tell her to make herself financially stable and offer to split the bill on dates. If the guy can't afford something offer to split the event. It balances, and works really great for me. I actually do have a daughter and I've told her both these pieces of advice: Which is a good thing. Society needs to move away from telling young girls they are princesses who deserve the world.
They should be told they are warriors who can blaze their own trails for others to follow. I am more than capable of paying for myself and someone else, and know if my partner had the means he would too. Sometimes circumstances child support, school, etc. We could be perfectly happy spending no money and staying home, but that's no fun! I'm more than willing to foot some of our bills for some adventure--he contributes in other ways by fixing up my place, doing laundry, etc.
Once his financial situation shakes out, it'll all even out in the end. And, if it doesn't, I don't so much care if it means I have a loving and devoted partner. Friends with lots of money are hard on everyone who don't have as much. That said, I can't tell you how many women asked about my divorce on our first date and then worked their way to child support and then gave me a weak poker face when I answered and we didn't have another date. Granted they knew nothing about how much I pay.
I started dating post-divorce thinking women would like that I'm a dedicated father and all that. But paying child support seems to be an issue for some. On top of that, the relationships I've had were with women who were against paying for anything. So it made things tougher on me. I would prepare dinner for weeknight dates at home. I would pick one night on occasion for something pretty nice. And sometimes I would look for day of tickets for theaters or get memberships at museums, the zoo and the botanical gardens. And I'd suggest more outdoorsey activities like walking in forest preserves, bike rides and kayaking.
And there's always Groupon. I think it's more complicated than just money but women would understand that far better than I would. It's a head scratcher to me. I mean, I've had a few relationships and many many dates in the years since my divorce. And my finances never had any impact on anyone I dated. The child support issue would really only impact someone if they were married to me.
And even then, it's my money that's going out in the end. It's not like I would be asking them to help me pay child support. She looks forward to the day when his child support payments end because it will mean their family will have more discretionary income. She has no negative feelings about the fact the money goes to her stepson because she expects her husband to take care of him.
I imagine that there are some women or men in that situation who feel like the child support is the loss of money that they are somehow entitled to. They may not even be able to admit that to themselves. Yeah I remember you from last year when you and I were talking about what happens on what dates.
It was pretty funny. This was your comment that cracked me up. I had tossed out various numbered dating rules across a few threads over a couple of days and didn't realize anyone was paying attention. Thanks for finding that. Your dating rules were making me chuckle. Wow, Women actually get that worked up over child support? That;s like getting upset over someone paying student loans for their education.
Because it doesn't directly benefit them they hate it - am I understanding that right? Maybe because I'm not looking for a meal ticket, but I figured child support came with the territory of a divorced guy with kids.
As it should - he needs to take care of his kids first. If I can't live within my means, then shame on me. I plan never to have to depend on a man for my livelihood ever. I feel like I am on another planet sometimes. I would respect a guy for paying child support even if it meant cooking in instead of going out which is more my speed anyhow.
And I would not expect anyone to pay my way every time. Besides, I get child support. I would be a total hypocrite to get upset that someone was paying it on his end. I had so many people tell me to be happy about dating again because now I'd have less expenses, as a man would take me out, buy me nice things and woo me. I split bills and sometimes guys have more expensive taste than I do so I'm actually spending more than I would have otherwise. No one got worked up exactly. Like I said, I saw a few bad poker faces. Yeah, I think the issue for some is nuanced.
For example, I had a gf that was upset that my ex-wife still had my last name, that I was paying her child support and that my youngest had years left. For her, it was like this legacy of a family I had that came before her I think. Also, you might be surprised how these kind of arrangements work these days. The guy isn't always having to pay anything. I dated a few women who had good incomes decent six-figure lived in affluent neighborhoods and their ex-husbands lived either in the same neighborhood or a nearby one. They had a split with the children and then no one paid any child support.
Im neither never been married no have kids. I have met women who flat out told me they prefer it that way and want some w no ties financially or emotionally. It might be a little selfish but i can understand. Its not that they are against paying child support its just they prefer someone that doesnt have that obligation I remember my best friend a few years ago was dating someone who had 2 kids. She was only getting CS for one and it wasnt much. After a while he started thinking long term and felt he did not want to carry that burden and wanted someone with a clean slate.
Its really kind of the same thing as your one GF in a way.. The last name thing annoys me a little my SO decided to keep her X husb last name. Her lame excuse is because it sounds cool.. To me it still ties her to him.. I think my ex-wife keeps my name for various reasons that have nothing at all to do with me.
She's seeing someone seriously now and I wonder if he cares about it like you do. Yeah, I kept my married name because I literally had that name longer than I had my maiden name. My entire professional portfolio is in that name. It's my name too at this point, not just "his" name. Im not sure but for some reason it does. Weve even discussed future about marriage nothing serious and she said she would still like to keep that name. Of course i will not for a second go for that shit Im not buying her reason because its sounds cool Since he was so horrible i would like to think you would get rid of that reminder BS if you ask me..
Does she have kids? Some women keep the name because they want to have the same last name as their children. ITs a big if the way things are looking now. She can keep it now i dont mind much its just the way she talks about it. No i will not marry and let her keep that last name Based on your other comments in this thread it sounds like you guys have some larger issues to deal with. This might be a basic incompatibility.
IF we ever got to that point. This is the same woman whos still letting her 12 almost 13 now yo sleep in her bed Yeah I would advise against marrying this lady. Yea theres a bunch of stuff going on i havent mentioned or mentioned under another another screen name.. I mean she knows she has issues and stuff she had a very tough childhood.. Although no i wouldnt marry a woman if she wanted to keep her X Husb last name.. Her reason its because its sounds cool.. Especially since this person is suppose to be sooooo horrible..
I dunno just my opinion.. Yea i didnt go to her house for almost 2 mos because of that. There was no where to sleep and no way i was sleeping on the couch.
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I wasnt going to stand for that ive already put up with a lot from her. So she got him to go back to his sleeping area but when im not there and im only there 3 or 4 times a month hes still snuggling up w mommy.. I fully expect there are all sorts of scenarios. I simply have never gotten into financial discussions with a guy while in early dating. It's totally none of my business.
I assume that all dates are split equally unless otherwise discussed. No one has ever said that to me before. I've had a woman pay for our coffees on a first date a couple of times. But I've never had a woman pay or split a bill with me on anything beyond a first date with ONE exception. So one of those affluent women I was talking about she had a better job than I do I was asking if she wanted another and so I was giving her signals that I was paying, right?
We had a nice time and I asked for the bill and paid it. She smiled and said she would get the next one. A very nice response as she indicated she wanted to reciprocate and that she wanted to see me again. I said that would be great and asked her out to dinner for date 2. At the end of date 2 the bill came and I paid it. She remembered her offer after I paid and suggested that SHE would choose the next restaurant and it would be her treat. She chose a restaurant that was pricey. I felt weird that she would be picking up the bill at such an expensive place and I suggested we sit in the lounge and have hors d'oeuvres instead of a meal.
At the end the waiter brought the bill and I didn't make a move for it. She picked it up and paid.
As we left I walked her to her car. I texted her over the next couple of days and I asked her about plans for date 4 and she said she didn't think we were a good fit. That was the first time a woman paid a bill on one of my dates and that was it. Maybe I did something wrong, I don't know. But it still stung. I don't think they are looking for a meal ticket, they simply believe they are entitled to a man's wealth and that a man should provide it to them, regardless of how wealthy they themselves may or may not be.
It's just a social expectation that many many people believe men and women , but won't openly admit or are self-ignorant of. It's odd that some people want access to every cent you earn, even if they don't know what the amount is. This is someone who will explode in fury if you buy your Mom a new couch, because that could have been a new ensemble for her. I'm female and I make a six figure income I find life simpler this way! Most of the guys I have dated in this past year say I'm an outlier though Can you afford for yourself to go to plays and weekend trips with your friends?
You and your guy don't need to be joined at the hip. You could occasionally treat him if it's an experience you really want to share with him, and other times you could go yourself to do the things you want that he can't afford. Maybe schedule your more expensive outings for times when his child ren are with him. This is a good idea. I will miss sharing these moments with someone I'm in a relationship with, but I can pay for these things sometimes. It wouldn't bother me at all to date a man with little discretionary income. But I'm really not into going out and spending a lot of money.
I mean, it's okay, but most of the time I'd rather stay in with someone whose company I really enjoy. All my friends are broke and it sucks not to have anyone who can go on fun vacations with So I get what you mean. I don't begrudge my friends for it, I'm fortunate to make a good living I've landed in the realm of thinking that marriage for me has to be reserved to somebody who has about equal income and liabilities. Anybody else is welcome to hang around forever but they aren't getting my social security when they fall out of love.
I'm too old to cash out my retirement again. Dating outside of those constraints is still fine though. Marriage just sucks for me is all. Im on a fixed income so i know how this feels. While i do have a little change to do movies and simple Diners or Groupons i really cant do anything exotic. I know that with him I will have the sole, unerring pressure of being the breadwinner forever. But I love him, madly.
What do I do? In the meantime, if I could say one thing up-front, it would be: Feminism is not about living some perfect life dictated by a Gender Studies professor, according to outdated or reversed gender roles. So the sooner you can stop beating yourself about that part of the question, the better.
Now, onto the meat of the issue. You are in love with someone who, emotionally and personally, is an ideal match, but who has some fundamental misalignment on the logistical end. We agreed on all of the fundamental questions and goals of life, and asked ourselves the painful questions of where we stood on absolutely everything. We talked money heavily when that was not a thing people did, we went through every possible What If that was unpleasant to think about it, and we had a contract in place for our assets at a time when that was basically never done unless you were a millionaire.