Editorial Reviews. From the Publisher. Dating can be fun, but it's not easy. Meeting people is Boundaries in Dating: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Relationships - Kindle edition by Henry Cloud, John Townsend. Religion & Spirituality.
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This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here. Learning to have good boundaries in dating is work, and takes some time. It helps to understand how to better conduct your dating life to develop love, freedom, and responsibility in both you and whoever you are dating.
Dating helps to learn about oneself and others and relationships, in a safe context; provides context to workout through issues; helps to build relationship skills; help to heal and repair; what type of person they will like and good for him, practice sexual self- TAKEAWAY: Dating helps to learn about oneself and others and relationships, in a safe context; provides context to workout through issues; helps to build relationship skills; help to heal and repair; what type of person they will like and good for him, practice sexual self- control. Emotional maturity in dating is important in dating 2.
Freedom and Responsibility create a safe environment for love, experience, trust Know what your fears and unresolved issues can bring you too e. Fears of intimacy can attract you to detached people;Fears of autonomy can attract you to controlling people. I You and your boundaries -Why boundaries in dating?
Boundaries serve two important functions: Boundaries show what we are and are not; what we agree and disagree with; what we love and hate. Boundaries keep good things in, and bad things out. Boundaries protect by letting others know what you will and will not tolerate. If someone else is controlling your love, emotions, or values, or how you behave in dating relationships they are not the problem.
Your inability to set limits on their control is the problem. Boundaries are the key to keep- ing your very soul safe, protected, and growing. If you are trying to help someone and he is lying to you in some way, there is no relationship if worth it can work on trust. It is another thing to have loved and been lied to. Do not lead someone on, or allow them to deceive themselves by anything that you are doing.
Or, if there is something that the other person has done that you do not like, or goes against your values, or is wrong, it must be discussed. Reasons you need to be honest about conflict: Being honest resolves the hurt or the conflict. When you are honest, how the other person responds tells you whether a real, long-term, satisfactory relationship is possible.
Yo need to know who you deal with someone who critisies, someone you can talk to. People who can handle confrontation and feedback are the ones who can make relationships work - Do not tolerate lying or deception period. NO matter what the reason for it. Know your dating approaches? Growth from your past -Understand and deal with the issues that have kept you from changing your patterns. Be afraid of your past - consequences of the past, help to motivate yourself to make the change.
Be afraid of ruining present relationship, ask for support. Be afraid of staying in the present relationship. Be afraid of being injured ask yourself why you were hurt before? Be afraid of waisting time. Be afraid reducing your prospects. Examine following areas in dating: Defensive hope disappointment in life leads to hanging up to hope rather than change 3.
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Romanising fantasising, avoiding reality, being out of neediness 4. Undeveloped intimacy unawareness of real connection, result to drawn to wrong ppl 5. Friendship is the path. LEARN to verbalise and deal with impulsive connection. Loss of freedom he is in charge 2. Confusion and responsibility 4. If you do, the person that your loved one is loving is not you. It is the role that you are playing and not your true self who is being loved.
Having enough talks to safely open up with each other 2. Going over basic values of what is important in life to each other 6. Spending time away from each other to think through the relationship, alone and with friends 8. Deal with conflicts, differences, and preferences instead of glossing them over. Remember that quick, intense relationships often end up either burning out or being shallow.
Real love takes time and has no shortcut, but it is worth it. Get a life work on your friendships, work, hobbies service 6. Stay connected to your support network: Stay grounded to your values III. Then end the dat- ing relationship. Is that reason sustainable? Or ask yourself if spending time with each other will help both of you in other ways Is there more ownership, a growth path, hunger for change, involvement in some system of change, repentance, or other fruits of a change of direction?
Is there self motivation for change, or is it all coming from you? Learn to deal with disrespect before you end things. Another reason seems to be that when- ever we do not have good limits with each other, there is a regression on the part of the person who is enabled to be less than mature. If you do, you will be quarrelsome and difficult to be around.
Maybe let a few things slide once or twice, but do not allow a pattern of disrespect to occur. Helps to see if the person can sacrifice, respects you 18 Make honesty, respect and freedom as aspects of your relationship sexually, emotionally, socially, spiritually. This is the world of dating, where you can abruptly break off a relationship, no harm, no foul. Let him know that you are bringing up the problem because you care. Remember to be patient, work things through 2. Stick with Consequences, let them know that they are not permanent 3.
Expect Negative reaction 4. Question his motivations 5. Avoid reactive friends 6. Provide a way to normality 7. SHOUld you request personal growth when dealing with boundaries and consequences character growth problem: Use limits to test relations Jun 15, Trevor rated it liked it Shelves: This book was decent.
Like all dating books written in the s, it is in part responding to I Kissed Dating Goodbye and I felt like it was a little too pro-dating at times. However, that's not the purpose of the book. The book outlines a lengthy series of potential problems in your dating relationships and how to avoid them or solve them. In this I thought it was well done but I do not think it would be helpful or encouraging for teenagers. View all 5 comments. Apr 16, Emelie rated it liked it. Zoo wee Mama, do I have some thoughts on this one. If you're like me and couldn't understand flirting if it hit you across the face with a frying pan, this book really helps you see how people date, how dating is supposed to work, and how to establish boundaries with those you date.
The common sense advice helps those who might not have a lot of dating experience am I saying this from a place of Zoo wee Mama, do I have some thoughts on this one. The common sense advice helps those who might not have a lot of dating experience am I saying this from a place of personal experience?
Especially if you're Christian. This book reminds us that no, you're a human, you can ask for proper treatment and allow consequences if your needs are not respected or met. It removes the guilt of wanting space, and removes the stigma of a "crazy" partner who doesn't want you looking through their phone all for the sake of love.
Some other thoughts I had: Cloud and Townstead write a lot about boundaries, about growth, etc, but seem to forget that when it comes to dating, purity culture is being dismantled day by day for good reason. Every chapter, you get hit in the face with the fact that Cloud and Townstead don't like sex before marriage. Cool, great, nice, but why is this in a chapter about not cutting yourself off from friends and family?
Also, Cloud and Townstead are two middle aged dudes who dated when purity culture was still running rampant. If you want dating advice written for a modern age please put your pitchforks down before you try be for heretical thought , this might not be the BEST book, but it's a good book. A lot of their views on sex are in line with the hushed whispers and Bible thumping rigid thoughts of Midwest Protestantism. I also found it interesting that some of the examples used include people who are dedicated enough to be talking marriage, then decide that when the other isn't willing to commit yet which is fine and established more as the partner needing time, or needing to see their partner isn't going to wait forever , they're just going to "see other people" for a while.
Maybe it's the language but that sounds like a strange lack of commitment for a relationship discussing marriage. I digress, and nitpick, and I know that. Not a bad book. Sep 21, emilie. Still, the title sounded like it would have been helpful to me and it was on sale, so into my Kindle it went.
After all, this one encourages… casual dating! You may come from a good family and relational background. You may be a well-rounded person…But, Actual rating: You may be a well-rounded person…But, even given these advantages, the specific arena of dating, like any other relational undertaking, must be experienced through hours and hours of trial and error. Tell this to the purity culture warriors, please! This wasn't a bad guide by any means.
There were some great pieces of advice that anyone can apply to their love life, though some readers may consider the bulk of it good old common sense. I've highlighted many passages that could help me improve in certain areas, or serve as reminders. Since this is a Christian book, I expected to come across bits implying that couples who have sex before marriage are "shallow.
Thankfully, most of that is contained in one or two chapters and doesn't permeate the entire book as much as I thought it would. Another downside I sorta had with this guide was the emphasis on having a system to hold you accountable. This isn't a negative thing at all-a support group or even one good listener is valuable when you're pursuing a relationship. What I kinda took from it was the authors assuming that everyone inherently has that support, which isn't the case. This may sound nitpicky and you could probably say the same about many self-help books.
I just wish they had provided genuine advice once in a while, instead of ending a section with "go talk to your friends. There could be a lot of reasons someone doesn't have close friends, that aren't something like they're a bad person and don't know how to relate to others or whatever.
It was pretty judgmental. Generally speaking, this is an okay book if you're about to begin dating and feel unknowing or overwhelmed. While I did have a few issues with it, and a better part of the advice will be very obvious if you have any self-awareness, there were some good things to balance it out. Jun 25, Paul Lyons rated it liked it. The core of the book focuses on one's boundaries Part 1 of the book focuses on one's needs The doctors stress that dating is for adults, and not for children It's important that one approaches dating as a want and desire to find a mate or husband or wife , and not about filling a hole in one's life It's okay if someone "completes you", yet one should not use one's romantic partner to make up for one's shortcomings A key chapter for me, was "Adapt Now, Pay Later Though it's good to put your best foot forward in order to court or impress a date, it's important that you present the best of who you really are.
Failure to do so may result in confusion, and resentment This is a trap I have fallen into on too many occasions sad to say The love and support of friends and family is essential to a healthy dating life. Friends keep you balanced, and remind you of life's realities. If you hide whom you are dating from loved ones, there's a risk that may be with the wrong person. Friends and family can only help to put things in proper perspective Though I can't say I enjoyed reading this book. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend's prose was a frustrating mixture of clarity and confusion; I stumbled with more than a few passages.
I also felt a little detached about some of the book's content Yet all the same, I found much of the book helpful, and many of its points rang very true for me. Sep 15, Cami rated it it was amazing. Excellent book to read before you make the leap. I only wish I'd read it earlier in life and had the capacity to follow the advice within. There was a lot I already knew, so it was kind of review. I had one beef with the authors' premise. They mention different times and in different ways that dating is how you learn about yourself and grow.
It seemed to me almost like they were saying that dating is the best if not only way for those things to happen. I strongly disagree on that. Maybe I got the There was a lot I already knew, so it was kind of review. Maybe I got the wrong impression and that's not what they meant at all, but that's how it came across to me. I've never dated, and I have a fairly good idea of the kinds of things I'm looking for. I think it's a terrible idea to use a dating relationship, the dating realm, primarily as a training ground.
Yes, you will inevitably grow and learn about yourself, but I don't think that's a reason to date. I've learned a lot more about relationships and myself through observing relationships around me and through my friendships. So there were things I disagreed with, but also a lot of great wisdom as well. Not a book I'm sorry I read, by any means. Jan 28, Debica rated it liked it. The opening really captured my full attention when it began with a very common story that we can totally relate to. Read reviews that mention must read highly recommend great book cloud and townsend boundaries in dating common sense dating goodbye looks like recommend this book henry cloud easy to read joshua harris great read high school great advice healthy relationships dating scene kissed dating book helped dating world.
Showing of reviews. Top Reviews Most recent Top Reviews. There was a problem filtering reviews right now. Please try again later. Kindle Edition Verified Purchase. I read this book because I was looking for material to use in conjunction with high school sex education material in a home school situation, so this review will focus on the benefits it has for discussion between parents and teens who are not yet or just beginning to be interested in dating.
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The book was written partially as a response to I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and the accompanying message preached in some Christian circles that dating is destructive, selfish, and inherently painful. The authors disagree, and think dating, when done by healthy people working toward maturity, can facilitate important developmental processes that prepare you to be a good spouse, whether or not you marry the person you date. I think it would make for interesting discussions to read the two books side by side. The authors are both psychologists with lots of counseling experience, so the advice they give is grounded in Christian psychology more than in Bible study or personal experience, which makes it different from what you find in some other books that are more pastoral in focus.
They frequently back up what they say with Scripture passages and principles that support the concepts, but the many of the concepts themselves transference, co-dependence, parental bonding issues, etc. This book is not geared toward high school students. A premise of the book is that dating is for adults. People who have not reached a certain level of maturity, who have not clearly identified their goals and values, have not taken ownership of their spiritual life and decisions, who do not know who they are and what they want in life will not likely have healthy relationships, and will wreak havoc on themselves and others.
So, the primary audience of the book is single, independent adults.
Boundaries in Dating : How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Relationships
But the authors acknowledge that age and maturity do not necessarily go hand in hand, and mature teens are perfectly capable of dating responsibly and productively. However young people living at home with their parents are not the primary audience. Much of the book presumes you have a dating past to analyze or a current serious relationship to work on, but the many of the discussions could still be valuable for teens who are not dating yet, because they present lots of examples of what healthy and unhealthy ways of relating look like.
There is also good advice about how to start a relationship off well, how to set and maintain healthy personal boundaries, and how to guard against destructive patterns in relationships. Here are some of the things I found particularly worthwhile: There is a lot of discussion of what it means to be honest in a relationship, and lots of scenarios that show what it looks like when someone is not being honest with themselves, or about themselves, what it looks like when someone else is not giving you space to be honest with them, and how much space you should give someone to learn and grow in their ability to be more honest.
There is a good section on what leading someone on looks like and how deceptive and very destructive it is. It discusses unhealthy patterns of relating and how to recognize when you are: There is also a list of deal breakers that no one should put up with in a relationship.
Interestingly enough, top on the list is deception or lying.
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Some of the things should be no-brainers addiction, violence, faithlessness , but it also includes refusal to respect boundaries, and what that looks like. There is good information on how recognizing patterns in the kind of people you attract or are attracted to can help you identify areas of immaturity, brokenness, or unresolved hurt in your life that you need to address. There is a valuable discussion of what to do if you notice a big split between the people you are attracted to romantically and the people you would choose as friends, since this is usually an indication that you need to deal with some hurt or unresolved issue in your own soul.
Healthy people develop romantic feelings for people that make good friends too. This book encourages and equips people to work through issues in relationships, and use dating experiences to spur personal character development and movement toward more wholeness and maturity. It gives lots of practical suggestions for how to try to work through a number of common problems before bailing on the relationship. It presents a multi-faceted rationale for abstinence before marriage without descending into unnecessary scare tactics or preachiness.
What it does not do: It presumes you accept the idea that Christians should date Christians. It might be beneficial to spend more time with a teen building a case for why. The discussion of sexual boundaries basically says you need them, but leaves all the working out of the details up to the individual.
It assumes you will basically follow the accepted cultural model of picking out someone you are potentially romantically interested in and intentionally spending time alone with them to get to have fun and get to know them better. This book is not an introduction to the world of dating for people with limited social skills, it presumes you know what you are doing. The attitude toward dating is a bit more cavalier than I am totally comfortable with, especially for a teen or college student.
I personally gravitate more toward the idea that you should not get involved romantically with someone until you have a solid friendship and you think you might realistically have a future together even if it is a ways off. It would have been helpful to have two terms. The book operates from the position that the goal of dating is to get experience that helps you grow and mature and develop interpersonal skills that will prepare you to marry someday, not that the goal of dating is to find someone to marry. For some people this will be an important philosophical difference, but one that would be worth exploring with a teen.
In this book, the idea of any parental involvement is absent. Families that gravitate more toward the courtship model may find it hard to incorporate advice based on those assumptions, but it still brings up many things worth discussing and considering. Such parents may discover they are preventing their children from setting healthy boundaries at home, something that may negatively impact their attempts to set healthy boundaries with a future partner.
This is especially disappointing because this is an area where so many people have trouble with enforcing boundaries. I guess I was more looking for "Boundaries in intimate relationships" instead. I'm not religious, but in the other "Boundaries" books it was much easier to go along with the Christianity stuff. There are often important lessons that are exemplified in the Bible, which I can appreciate.
However, this book focuses way too much on the "when to have sex" boundary, so basically after you're married fine for others, but not how I live my life.
The whole time I was reading this book I was thinking Like stealing passwords and spying on you without your knowledge? Disrespecting you in front of others? Trying to stir up drama with your friends and family? Literally anything boundary-defying that happens after you find yourself in a relationship with someone? This book was recommended to me by a woman in my bible study following a breakup with a guy I believed to be a strong Christian and who had my heart in his hands for good reason.
I found out the hard way, he was neither. This book has been a eye opener and confirmation all at the same time! I loved this book! It was very enlightening and needed right now in my life. I just got out of a relationship where it was clear to me that i wasn't setting proper boundaries, as I seemed to have lost complete control of most of the decision making.
This book has great insights and is a reliable standard for what a healthy relationship is. It definitely has a Christian aspect to it, but if that bothers you, it's easy to look past and still get solid council. As a Christian, however, I really enjoyed that element!
I love how specific and direct he is so I enjoyed most of the book. I get this book is about dating, but I read it while single in the hopes that it would put dating in perspective and help me navigate that in the future. After a 31 year marriage, teaching couples in our church about dating and how to treat a woman or a man , I learned more information from this book than I thought. If you are 15 or 85, you need to make this book a part of your library for your teen or yourself. I learned not to fear to set boundaries in my dating now than I did before.
Looking back at how I dated in high school to now, ' difference. This is the 3rd book by these authors I have read. Every single book has been helpful and inspiring on my journey to learn how to have a healthy loving relationship, with myself, my child, and a partner. The guidance presented is what I have innately always wanted to emulate in my life but was never taught, nor have I seen demonstrated.
My soul has always wanted to break the pattern of dysfunction that I witnessed and learned in my family. These books are truly a road map to making that become a reality!
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Now I must humble myself, trust, experience my vulnerability of expressing my feelings to my partner, and implement boundaries needed for the loving, healthy, communicative relationship I have always wanted! I am so grateful for the body of work these authors have shared with me! See all reviews. Amazon Giveaway allows you to run promotional giveaways in order to create buzz, reward your audience, and attract new followers and customers.
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