Not knowing this makes life after dating a psychopath considerably more difficult. Even if the person goes to a therapist they may not attribute blame where it is.
Table of contents
- Second chances
- The stages of healing and recovery after dating a sociopath – What to expect – a quick guide!
- Recovering from a Relationship with a Sociopath
But I do because his reactions from the past two times I saw him out. I knew then he knew who I was. Anyway, I watched him out of the corner of my eyes and could see him pointing his finger at my and talking to the other guys that worked at the bar I was at.. Which I knew right then and there my spath had been talking shit about me. The shit he did to me.
I mean why would his friend make me feel this way? Because, KJ, his friend is an idiot as well. What goes around comes around, believe me. His friend was pacing at the door which tells me he called him and he was on his way with his new gal.. Thank god I left before that happened. I would of lost it. Everything he did got on my nerves..
This is day 3 without sleep now.. He was charming, smart, funny, sweet, life of the party type of person everyone loved to be around. I was attracted to him but he had a girlfriend who lived three hours away. I told him I would not get involved since he was with someone else. We started spending more time together and I was happy. Other than being raped as a teenager, he is the only guy I have slept with and he was so sweet and considerate about it.
He told me he loved me and had never felt this way about anyone else and his feelings were so intense they scared him. I fell in love with him and was so happy. I got pregnant, it was not planned, and he changed. He tried to force me to have an abortion and then tried to pressure me into adoption. He bailed and I found out he had never broken up with his girlfriend. I also find out he has issues with porn and finding women online for sex.
I was still in love and wanted my baby to have his father and foolishly thought he would change and we could work things out even though he was still with the gf. He then runs hot and cold with me and I never know what kind of mood he will be in from one day to the next. He bails on drs apts and ultrasounds. He informed me his gf would help him raise his baby and proceeds to give me orders about what is going to happen and who will do what when the baby is born.
I cut contact with him. When my son is born he shows up at the hospital with his gf. My brother refused to let her in the room. While I am lying in bed after a C-section this jerk tells my mother I owe his gf an apology for fooling around with her man and trying to steal him away. My mother got in his face and confronted him and asked specific questions. He got this evil sneer on his face and his eyes went wild and the tone of his voice changed. Wow what happened to the charming sweet guy I had been friends with for two years and fell in love with?!
He then told me he and his gf would be coming and taking the baby for a few days when we got home.
She has since moved very close to him. I told him no. He showed up at my home and physically threatened me and my mother threw him out. He hates my mother, has issues with women. Makes smart aleck remarks about his female boss and other women. I tried to tell his gf I was sorry she was hurt and I would have never gotten involved with him but he lied and told me they were through.
They are living the fantasy that they were a loving committed couple and I am the whore that seduced him and tried to break them up. Even though he had multiple flings of cheating on her, this was all MY fault according to them! And she is now trying to play Mommy with my son to get back at me. He then sued me for custody. We went through three rounds of mediation and one trial.
I have appealed the decision because in true sociopath fashion he managed charm the mediator, judge, and his attorney. My son was nursing every two hours. There was no way he could be away from me overnight nor could I possibly pump more. I was only nursing until he was 1 year old when he could have whole milk and then he could spend the night with his father. I was told I was going to have to mix breastmilk with formula against drs orders or figure out how to produce more milk!
Yet I am the selfish one! And he is the poor mistreated father of the year! He actually got credit for overpayment of child support for that reason. I can see it in his eyes. I have gone the tenth mile with him and been flexible with visitation. I buy gifts for him and his family from our son for bday, Christmas, fathers day, etc.
But nothing I ever do is good enough. He demands rather than asks for anything. And everything is always my fault and he never takes responsibility for anything, he always turns it around on me. I finally saw the more I did the more he expected and used as an excuse to walk all over me. He has kept our son two hours later on three occasions. I asked him to respect the parenting plan and he accused me of keeping his son from him. He treats him more like a possession and a trophy. These articles hit so close to home and describe so well and give great advice.
I feel so stupid for being duped by him. I would love to read more insight on how to co-parent with a sociopath. So sorry for what you are going through as well. Thanks for your kinds words. It is so hard to deal with this type of personality. This is the saddest, most terrible story. I am so sorry for your pain and what you are going through. These people are sick. His GF is sick too.
I am so sorry xxxx. Hi, its very difficult just where to begin with regard to my story? I emmigrated to Australia in with my wife and kids. My wife was beautiful and I know with everything in me she loved me with all my heart as I did her. Unfortunately she suffered terribly with depression which I knew about when we first met but loved her and supported her the best I could have. In Jan she completed suicide which left me in Australia with my two kids, running a business and also studying psychology. I stook it out for well over a year and made many mistakes along the way trying to cope with the grief.
I made the descision to return to England to my home town to have the support of family and to make a new start. I left this town initially when I was 16 to live with my dad. When we first saw each other it was almost electric, she was very beautiful and looked amazing.
We chatted and told me she was married, worked in a care home and asked the same of me, so I told her briefly my storey and why I was back. Everything from there was very full on with messages from both of us and was such a great feeling. It was two weeks later we saw each other again and spoke all day and she later returned that evening. I made no advance in the day but by her returning later on I knew where I stood!
It was amazing and felt incredibly close and that was us. She left her husband and we dated. Through family I knew her relationship with her ex was violent.. She said she never loved him and for the first time in her life she knows what it is to be in love with me. She could never see us arguing or falling out. After a hard marriage on both parts I desperatly wanted to make us work and just love her. It was in her name for remaining loan as I had been out of the country but I paid the repayments.
I bought a house for us all to live in and all seemed sweet but then things started to change. She had a temper and appeared very aggressive at times and shoved me about a bit then pleaded she was sorry when i bit back! I took her in Feb to New York where we got engaged crazy I know but even when we was there I was excited by what I saw but without her saying too much I never got a sense of appreciation? After we returned it got very bad.
My kids bear in mind had been through a hell of a lot where basically put through hell by her and her own! She threw her ring and said she was leaving.. Back to her marital home but ex had gone. I still stayed with her and tried working things out but in April after a birthday weekend for her it all kicked off again. Anyway she sold the car because it was in her name and bought another new one. I lost by this point but it was hers and nver did show any remorse. She then said losing me she has lost her everything and said she was depressed knowing its a subject close to my heart…..
I took her back. I also found out at this point she was messaging other guys via network site and was very flirty indeed! Anyway I took her back…went on holiday to Egypt where she nothing short of bullied my daughter aged 8. I stood up to her and that was it again! Over but no, she played me again. All seemed good, she was on meds and seeing counselor. Then again I found out through my kids that she had change over this past few weeks. Was very hard on my daughter again yet her son could do know wrong!
He is a terror by the way! She reduced my daughter to tears and threatened but despite this my kids hid it from me, not wanting me to be cross! She is now gone, said my kids are lying and just want us to split up. She was overheard by them bad mouthing me to her brother and bad mouthing them which she totally denied! We are over but I still question as I write this…could I be so wrong? I just loved her so much and did all I could but was never enough i always felt.
I saw her in the playgound tonight, she was very smug and I had arranged to give all her stuff back that was at mine. That through everything I regret so much!! She removed my name from her within two days after Egypt holiday! Do you think I might have a sociapath as an ex? I have my heart In my mouth as I think of your children. First losing their mother, and then this woman. She clearly has issues. To treat your children in this way is appalling. Their mother only died in I should have put a smiley on the end of my question asking if she is a sociopath because especially after reading on here I have no doubt at all!
It is the only comment I have read here, that has made me feel very sad. Perhaps that was because when this happened to me I was a grieving mother. Which is why the last one faked that his daughters mother was dying of cancer it was all a lie and his daughter was going to have to live with us…. It is really sad. No care for anybody else except themselves.
You need to take time out for you. Your grief was such a short time ago. She sounds selfish and wrapped up in herself and not good for you or your children. You talk about all of her needs. After what was nothing short of abuse and bullying to my daughter whilst on holiday in Egypt in July, I thought I gave her it both barrels especially on our return…thats a story in itself and was over again. This was the time she admitted she had a problem and would do anything…ie therapy! I also sat her down and just explained to her that my kids have been brought up differently to how yours have, there mum was incredibly loving and absolutely doted on the pair of them, I also said that my daughter craves female attention and could really be so close to you…you just have to be softer with her!
She said I know and Ill change! It didnt last and over this past month she slowly changed back and started snapping again then reducing my kids to tears!
- Therapy after dating a sociopath ~ Restricted Growth Association UK.
- Life After Dating A Psychopath - important considerations?
- Stage two – The fog of confusion.
- dating advice guru/soulmates.
- Why Does it Take So Long to Get Over a Relationship with a Psychopath?.
I think thats the hard thing aswell because when my wife died yes ofcourse it was devastaing and a shock, when I saw her gone there was almost instant closure…. I lived with her depression for years and suicide always came up in conversation…what Im saying is that there was always a possibility that this would happen and had no choice to accept and try to build a new life for us. It was incredibly tough and ofcourse still is, my wifes memory is with me constantly. I guess what Im really saying is that I thought I was ready to love and be truly happy!
Thats like a double whammy and hard to accept at the moment! I am very sorry to hear that you went through something very similar…through reading I have caught bits of your experience but Im not fully aware! Just thankyou for this site, it is a great work you are doing and helpful to so many!
Its incredible to me that the spaths are so programmed and predictable, machine like, but only when you see the truth or have expreienced it! Shes still married and is someones wife.. You can bet they were the instigator.. Getting married knowing you dont love that person breeds only one thing resentment, which is then aimed at the other person through self hate and that emotion is misdirected..
Im telling you this man to man.. Im also terribly sorry about your wifes suicide, that must leave you without the ability to completely achieve closure. My feeling is, and I might be wrong, just throwing out a bit of intuition after reading your post…No matter how long you dealt with her depression, and I know how trying that can be, you dont get quick closure when tragedies like that happen to people we Love… My feeling is you are still dealing with that on such a deep level , not realizing it since you might have tucked it away so far you wont let yourself see it… hence why you maybe were blinded to this person you were recently involved with… Take some time for yourself man, hang out with friends, family, etc etc..
I forgot one, Bewildered, you said you were studying psychology, Boundaries are a huge part of behavioral Psychology. Talking to , flirting with and romancing someones wife shows a huge lack of boundaries , as well as a huge lack of empathy for the spouse of that person. Please man, think about this very hard before you brush it off. Did she divorce her husband or just move out still actively married?
Did she show you divorce papers? Christian…I knew her as an old school friend, we chatted about old times and aquaintances! I didnt pursue her and actually made it very clear that it was very important that she work at her marriage because I would not come between that! After two weeks of our first meet she had left him, filed for divorce which yes I saw the papers for! She told me that they had been on and off for years which was confirmed by my own mother who knew her! Boundaries are extremely important in every aspect of life, especially this aspect.
I also understand these types of people can con you, reel you in, and convince you what YOU are doing is perfectly fine even if it goes against your better judgement.. Keep your eyes open , your ears, and practice trusting your intuition… She convinced you to ignore Boundaries, and forget about empathy… The devil is very slick…. Stay strong and stay away from her.. Yes Christian a divorce takes a long time to complete!
If there are difficulties such as the spouse not wanting one or agreeing to the grounds of divorce then it can take years! Our relationship began when her relationship to him was over…. He moved straight out of there marital home and in no time met someone else who he is still with to this day! He has never been hostile to me and in fact shook my hand on a number of occasions ie Christmas! I almost feel that he was glad to be rid as there relationship was very much on off…. Thanks for your advice, been here before but feel this time things have gone way too far!
Why would she want you to get rid of a tattoo of your wife? You were a widow and she was the mother of your children. Did she expect you to banish their mother from their life? I have such deep regret but I covered it with a rose which is symbolic to my late wife! I will be getting it altered and also having her name covered up next sat!
Cant come quick enough! I feel so ashamed for how I have allowed this and to be controlled! To be honest I have messed up so many times since my wifes death and this is my wake up call! For a while at least. Someone once said to me. I think that is true. Christian…thankyou for taking the time to reply and you are very much correct! It all is so obvious now but even back then I felt something not quite right in my gut! I used to wonder that her marriage was like that because she never really loved him?
She said he had so many affairs…even slept with her sister which by the way from what I hear, she has very similar traits Funny I was always warned by spath that if ever I got friendly with her sister and even sat and had a coffee with her then we would be over! All your insites are correct I believe, I was just blinded by the lies! I know now actually outside looking in…. The way I feel right now I will find it very hard to trust again or certainly for a long while, maybe this really is a blessing in disguise to sort my head and my life out to get back on the right path!
For the first time in about 4 years I sat and tried meditating yesterday, lit incense today as I really feel that in some way I have caused this by not listening to the inner me! So yes this is my karma, I accept it, I hurt but if this is what it has taken for me to sort myself out then I am grateful! I bet if you spoke to the ex-husband you would find his story just like yours as he has also been duped by her. My heart also goes out to you bewildered So sorry for your ordeal.
Strength to you and your children. Very proud of my kids, they are remarkably well balanced and happy kids and have and continue to cope brilliantly! Losing their mum, a move across the other side of the world and a disfunctional relationship in nearly 3 years is pretty huge! I will take all advice, take my time to heal and become strong again! Feel very tired now! I wanted to post here on this particular blog page as i wrote a post on September the 8th on this particular blog and at the time i was still struggling and lost.
I have come a long way in 2 months. I have come a very long way in the five months since my ex charismatic Soc blindsided me in the middle of IVF. It is 2 months since i wrote on this post i have definitely written a lot elsewhere on this website and i am now definitely in stage 7. I have no doubt whatsoever that he is a sociopath. How even 1 month ago I was fighting to believe his lies and that the dream he painted was really real. But now i know that my gut was real and that his lies were lies. Most of the lies i will never be able to prove but i know inside of me what the truth is.
He is not right in the head. He is without a doubt in my mind a sociopath. Never any real feelings, it was all about him and what i could do for him and when he was done there was no remorse or care for me at all. I accept that now…As this blog says, it is liberating to be in this stage of healing. It is empowering to have this understanding. In 2 days it is 5 months since we broke up and ironically it would have been our 2 year anniversary.
It is also exactly 1 year since our first break up 6 weeks separated. But i knew the day i left the house that i would never contact him again. And i only responded to him where i absolutely had too. He has not contacted me in that 3 months and for a long time this really hurt. Now i am grateful as it gave me the head space and distance to fully understand the reality and to let my emotions catch up to my rational brain.
Do i think that he will contact me again? Maybe when he gets bored with his latest conquest. One way or the other. And there is nothing i can say that will achieve anything. I guess this really emphasizes the importance of no contact as i would not be this healed if i had had any contact with him. It is great to be in this stage of healing. I had no understanding of how i got here. Dreams that he painted so masterfully and that got me in hook line and sinker.
Reading back over older posts I relate to them even more now than i did at the start. I guess what i want to say to everyone that is new to the site, that are feeling such incredible pain and loss and confusion, that you will get better and it will get easier and out of it you will actually get a stronger sense of self and a stronger love of life.
I know this as i am now there. Dont be hard on yourself. Learn as much as you can. Reach out to those here and slowly you will get through this. I am now focusing on me. Building a plan for the future. A better life than i had before i met him and definitely better than anything he was actually capable of sharing with me. I am focusing on getting healthy physically and mentally to give myself the best opportunity possible to have a baby.
But better on my own than with a sociopath. I wish you all the best and all strength and peace and love. Remember to love yourself. We are all really good people that have had some bad luck but we will all get through this. I believe in me and you. The nightmares and chest palpitations have stopped. The anxiety has stopped. The confusion has stopped. I have stopped thinking about her.
I am ready to move on. Thanks to the creator and everyone who posts on this site and shares to help others. I am getting back on my feet and back to my old self. The stories on here are spread knowledge, strength and support to those who need it. Wishing everyone the best!! I am right now out of a year long dating relationship with a sociopath. I am exhausted, and emotionally beaten up.
Maybe I am insecure and argumentative and cold and distant and not able to may any relationship work the list goes on and on. I have nobody who understands. I feel great relief at finding that I am not alone. What I can tell you? No Contact, get your things in order, return his belongings, through shipping them if you can, and go cold… No contact at all..
No social media or anything that relates to him. Be kind to yourself, spend time with friends and doing things you enjoy or used to enjoy before this jerk showed up and took over your life. Get physically and mentally healthy again. I am convinced there are good guys out there — now you know the warning signs of the sp.
It sure seems a lot of us on this site have gone through a major learning curve this year. I am also going to buy a beautiful box and put pictures and words in it which represent everything I want in my life … including a romantic relationship with a GOOD man … The pictures I have chosen are beautiful and make me so happy just looking at them.
The stages of healing and recovery after dating a sociopath – What to expect – a quick guide!
Merry Christmas to everyone else on this site, and I wish you all of the love and healing possible for this season and the year ahead. The sociopaths undermine other people. That is how they operate. I recognize this more and more. Just like those agents in Matrix movie. Even Neo was afraid of them, but then in one moment they became slow and lousy compared to Neo because he became quicker and stronger than them. That is how we too become better equipped in dealing with sociopaths.
The crucial point is in becoming sociopath aware, you will get better… Just keep the no contact and read, work on solving your existential, basic things. If you want to find a solution, you first have to define what the problem is. If you make a mistake in this first step, then it's often impossible to resolve the problem. So if the person does not realize that they are dealing with a psychopath, they are at a disadvantage compared to someone who does know what they are dealing with. When a relationship with a psychopath or narcissist falls apart the victim typically is conflicted in many ways.
They often want to get away, but want their partner back. They may feel very angry at the manipulator but sorry for them at the same time. They may realize that the partner's behavior was unacceptable or even abusive, but love them a lot. They may continue to hope for the partner to change with time but realize that the manipulator hasn't changed in the many years during the relationship. They may wish bad luck on their ex-partner but want to look after them at the same time.
These contradictory ideas and feelings can be very distressing. When someone knows that they have been abused by a psychopath and that they have a pseudopersonality then it goes a long way to helping to understand these contradictions. When someone does not realize that they have been dealing with a sociopath, then these internal battles can be devastating. The victims often believe that there is something wrong with themselves because they cannot easily resolve the situation. This is further confirmed by people around them who think they are being supportive by saying things such as, "You are out of the relationship now, just forget about it and live your own life," or "Just find somebody else and move on.
Everything revolves around the psychopath. Everything reminds you of them. There are recurring thoughts of things that they said and things that they did to you. There will also be memories of the nice times that you had together. These will often seem in sharp contrast to the abusive moments and further add to the difficulty in understanding what happened to you.
The nice times convince you that the person did care for and love you and it makes it hard to cope with the fact that this person was treating you badly at the same time. You may have difficulty getting to sleep or staying asleep with all this contradictory information swirling around in your head, unable to sort it all out. There may be nightmares. Being constantly tired makes it difficult to function. There may be anxiety, depression, irritability, problems with memory or concentration, panic attacks, floods of emotions, a sense of isolation and so on.
In fact, many people are diagnosed with PTSD after a relationship with a sociopath. If you know that you were dealing with a sociopath, then you have a reason and a cause for all these things. Not knowing this makes life after dating a psychopath considerably more difficult. Even if the person goes to a therapist they may not attribute blame where it is due and the therapist ends up treating the victim as the problem.
A person in a relationship with a psychopath is changed by the psychopath. Their ideas and beliefs and behaviors are influenced very heavily by the psychopath. The psychopath for all intents and purposes imposes a new personality the pseudopersonality on the victim. This pseudopersonality is programmed to be very dependent on the psychopath. This is not the same as codependency - many people who do not realize they are dealing with psychopaths come to believe that they are codependent personalities. This is simply not true, because when they undo the damage done by the psychopath, the dependency disappears, too.
It is not actually part of their own personality. This manufactured dependency can be very strong and the person often needs the psychopath or narcissist to know what to do and how to think. They may even need the psychopath to know who they are. The victims may not realize how dependent they actually are on the psychopath.
This dependency kicks in big time when the psychopath leaves, when the psychopath breaks up the relationship. In fact, many psychopaths do this on purpose, or even threaten to leave, knowing that the victim cannot survive without them, so that the victim comes running back to them. And this is typically the first reaction the victim has when they think the psychopath is leaving. They become almost desperate not to lose the relationship. They try and make up to the psychopath, promising to do whatever it takes and so on. This dependency also explains why battered wives and others in abusive relationships end up going back to the abuser.
They may be so dependent that they often cannot imagine a future without the abuser and they feel that they are nothing or that they cannot survive without the abuser, or that they will have nothing to live for without them, so they end up going back. This dependency is one of the effects of the mind control that has been used against the victims and may have nothing to do with the real personality of the victim at all. It's common for those outside the situation to blame the victim saying that they must enjoy the abuse, or they cannot make decisions for themselves or they have dependent personalities and that's whey they return.
All these things are mistakes in understanding about abusive relationships. If someone does not realize that they are dealing with a psychopath they may label themselves as the problem and try and deal with their codependency etc. Even if someone does know their ex partner is a psychopath, dealing with this dependency is a big effort and it takes time and work to undo this aspect of the mind control. As I mentioned, the psychopaths often know that their targets are dependent on them and they use this against them. For example, they may threaten to leave knowing that this reinforces the control because this is often the one thing the victim wants to avoid so the victim changes their behavior to be nicer and more accommodating to the abuser.
If the psychopath leaves and they couple gets back together again for whatever reason, the abuser is often even more abusive. The manipulator will say such things to the victim as, "Well, you wanted to get back with me, so you have to put up with the way I am.
Recovering from a Relationship with a Sociopath
If the psychopath or narcissist disappears suddenly, often called discarding, the victim may be left broken hearted and broke financially. The victim is left wondering what they did wrong, what they could have done differently and how could someone just up and leave suddenly like that. They may never figure out that they were taken advantage of by a psychopath. All the contradictory feelings and emotions are in play in this scenario as well, on top of the fact that there is no closure of any sort with the psychopath.
This type of complete discard is not actually that common because the psychopath may show up again at a later time. In fact, even when a psychopath breaks off the relationship and does not do a disappearing act, they will often hang around, maintaining some sort of relationship with their victim. This gives the victim hope that things can improve and the psychopath strings the person along, sometimes for years. They continue to abuse and take advantage of the victim often without the formal commitment of a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. Victims of psychopaths may have been thinking of leaving for years but simply have not been able to do it.
See the section on dependency above! At some point something happens and the victim decides that they have to get out, it's time to leave. The psychopath often knows that their victim is changing and that they are losing control so the first thing the psychopath does is to make friends again with the victim. This makes it difficult for the victim to actually leave because they have renewed hope that their partner is changing and maybe now they can make it work.