Dating a man whose wife is dying

Does having an affair when your partner is seriously ill make you a terrible adding, “We had one member who had not left his house for close to 10 Of course, the ideal is the selfless, devoted, faithful wife or husband who.
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Some very charitable minds might regard him as an honest realist, but most will see him as a piercingly cruel, selfish adulterer. At least one reader suggested in an e-mail to him that it should have been him who died, instead of Judith. Ray excuses his behaviour by saying that in such a situation, people fall back on their weaknesses.

It's a way of escaping from your situation. My inability to be faithful has always been my weakness, so I turned to that. Whatever one thinks of what he has done, there is no denying this was his tragedy, too. Before cancer intruded, they had perfect lives.

Taking it Slow

Ray ran his marketing agency; Judith ran a recruitment consultancy. They met and fell in love in , married in and settled in their home city of Amsterdam. For four years they were happy enough, until on a sunny day in April , days before their daughter Eva's first birthday, when Judith and Ray were given the news that Judith had breast cancer.

We were part of the set of metropolitan thirtysomethings whom I call hip, healthy and wealthy. Life was about holidays, clothes, restaurants and having fun. The prognosis was bleak from the start. We were told the cancer had most likely gone immediately into the blood cells and that there was only a 40 per cent chance of Judith surviving the next five years.

When you get to 60 or 70 you have become used to your body losing its beauty gradually for several decades. This was not the case for Judith. She went in just a few months from being a beautiful, young woman to a cancer patient. The cancer was not yet causing pain, but the affects of chemotherapy and radiotherapy were drastic. Judith lost her hair; her skin appeared sunburnt.

She was vomiting frequently and lost weight. Six months after being diagnosed, one of her breasts was removed. A woman's breasts are the visual part of her femininity and sexuality. One of his justifications was that Judith had lost interest in sex. I'd spend time in bars where casual sex was part of the nightlife.


I was trying to escape the cancer at home. I liked the superficiality of these bars - you didn't tell people your problems. I was hooked on the process, not the people. It made me feel like a man. I couldn't tell you how many there were because they were history the minute I dressed and left.

Could it be that with his wife too ill to feed his ego sexually, Ray couldn't resists turning to other women for a cheap thrill? But I definitely didn't want Judith to find out, because I knew how much it would hurt her. Perhaps these liaisons might have petered out, but in February , Ray met a woman who was to change everything. Ray met Nathalie, then a year-old marketing manager, through his work.

I wanted to phone her all the time and would find excuses to go out to see her, then worry about Judith finding out.

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I didn't talk about Judith with the others, but I discussed the situation with Nathalie. At home, for Judith, of course, there was no escape - she had to face the unremitting horror of her condition.

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She would spend days in bed, desperately ill after intensive chemotherapy. She would cry and be emotional. She needed the unconditional support of her husband, not one who cheated on her when she was at her most vulnerable, but Ray selfishly complains he became like a nurse. It was a very emotional, intense time and I simply had to escape from it.

The ultimate betrayal: I cheated on my dying wife | Daily Mail Online

After spending time with Nathalie I felt invigorated. I was more able to face up to what was happening at home. A couple of my friends knew about Nathalie. They didn't approve, but they could see she gave me stability and that it was better than going to bars having one-night stands. Two months after meeting Nathalie, Judith and Ray were told that the cancer had spread to Judith's liver and that there was no longer any hope.

She was going to die. One of the worst things before was not knowing what the future held.

Dating a man whose wife is dying

Now she knew she was going to die and she could prepare for it. She began to accept that she was going to die. For me it was just awful, awful news. They went to see a child psychologist to discuss how her mother's death would impact on their daughter, Eva. Ray realised it must be becoming increasingly obvious to his wife that something was going on. Don't expect a grieving widower to go through a specific list of "stages" of grief, or to follow a particular time-line in his grieving.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve -- it is not as simple as checking off a series of steps on a list. The widower must eventually develop a new relationship with his late wife -- which could take months or years depending on his unique situation. Similarly, you may be given the cold shoulder by friends and family of the widower. Although it is natural for those closest to the widower to wish to honor the memory of his late wife, you also deserve respect and a warm reception.

If the widower is not willing to stand up for you -- he may not yet be ready to move on past his grief. A man grieving the loss of his wife may jump too quickly into a new relationship. Take things slow with a widower.

Try not to give too much of yourself. Children may be jealous of a new romantic partner in the life of a parent. I don't know if this woman is a saint or a doormat. Prudence aka Emily Yoffe suggests that the woman get therapy. Who has time for that with six months left?

Unless the therapy is in Tahiti or some place the woman has always wanted to go to, that seems a grim way to spend your remaining months. Prudence also suggests that the gravely-ill woman hint to her family that she knows about the affair and is okay with it so they don't demonize her hubby after her demise. Yeah, that'll make everything cool.

A professional weighed in suggesting that the woman not confront her husband at all -- that instead she give him the "great gift" of not saying anything at all so that when the wife dies, he can continue a relationship with the other woman without feeling guilty about it. When did this all become about the husband? Seriously, dude, your wife is dying.

Maybe this is your way of coping as another expert suggests , but she'll be dead in less than a year! Couldn't you "cope" with another woman after that?! That said, nothing will be gained by being angry at the husband now and having her main source of emotional support taken from her.