You have the option not to date her, but if you decide to go for it, be aware that She didn't decide to enter an open relationship because she is.
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We wanted our time to be our time, and not to detract from it with outside distractions aside from emergencies, of course. We were both already in open, polyamorous relationships, so we were all aware of our existing relationship structures. The only challenge was figuring out how to configure our lives to include another partner. I share good news with him, bad news with him, and everything in between. I strongly consider our relationship before making decisions that impact us, especially when it comes to new partners, new job opportunities and major life decisions.
We also plan dates or stay in like a normal couple. She was open about it in her profile. Her primary knew about me, and we sometimes spoke about him. There was no drama. The most surprising part was it almost kind of nice at times: Their friends and so on. This all started by complete accident. I was dating this genderqueer individual for about a year monogamously. So I was banging man after man. I even started dating some guys — both of whom wanted to be monogamous. Then, without going into too many details, because I go into great lengths about it here , I met Jason.
He had a wife, boyfriend and girlfriend at the time. The man was wayyyyy too busy to have another partner, right? Cut to me living with him and his wife and being in this polyamorous relationship, which was one of the best years of my entire life. I guess, where I am trying to get here is that you clearly love him.
When you love and are in love with someone, usually the goal is some form of long term partnership. What happens in 5 years when you want to not just be a girlfriend but a life partner the way his wife is? What happens when you want to establish a household life with him too? Some people just all live together or around the corner.
Some people live in two houses or on two continents. Some people never want to live with anyone ever. Some people have kids with more than one partner. Some people adopt kids solo. That's simply not an option, not for us. I knew what I was signing up for when we started going out. I was married for 19 years. I know marriage, and as mentioned I'm not in a hurry to get back into that situation again.
While life clearly throws surprises my way over and over again, I don't foresee a future where he and live in any way as a household. It's worth mentioning that it's a more complicated situation than you seem to be picturing. He and his wife are married, with a couple of kids. She's dating a divorced guy with partial custody, and he has another girlfriend.
The guy I'm dating is also dating two other women, one of whom is married, the other of whom has a daughter -- both of whom date other people as well. I don't have another partner, but I'm free to do so if I find someone that intrigues me. Sounds like a lot of superficial relationships that will never and arent meant to develop deep emotional intimacy.
What would happen if you developed cancer? Can you count on your married boyfriend to be there for you when you need him or only when his wife says its ok? Will she put up with him being with you for 3 months straight because you cant do it alone or is he not committed to you in a meaningful way? It all sounds fine and good until something makes you realize youve invested years into a relationship that was a mirage. He's married, he has security, he has his cake and is eating it all over town. Inevitably, someone in this spider web will draw the short stick of health and find themselves discarded.
Dont let it be you. The thing is, a lot of people in open or poly marriages date each other. So it's not like they are always just dating single, unattached people. In fact, married poly people often prefer other partnered or married poly people, because they are less likely to demand as much of their time and energy as a single person.
Also there are plenty of people especially solo poly types who don't want a primary or nesting partner, so it could work quite well for them. There was also zero domestic or financial stress in those relationships because we didn't live together and were generally in agreement about who pays for what. Now that I have my own life partners, I'm legally married 12 years to my partner who was a single dad because step adoption is much easier than unmarried partner adoption, because we wanted to get married and because we wanted additional children together.
I've actually been with my other life partner longer 14 years but we've never felt like we really needed to get married, he does not want another biological child due to being a congenital heart condition carrier he got very lucky with his first child and she is healthy, but the odds of that were actually pretty low.
When the time was right, and the career situations aligned, and his daughter was grown and didn't need her dad living nearby anymore, he moved a couple of time zones away and in with us, which has given him the financial security to go back to school.
Until things lined up and we got to have everybody finally under the same roof, we played the hand we were dealt at any given moment and worked together to make things work out- which is what all families do, if you really think about it. The guy I am seeing who is single gets sex and affection and friendship in a format that works for his life and lifestyle choices.
Not all relationships need to be lifelong or lead to cohabitation. Part of nonmonogamy is finding value in your relationships regardless of permanency. In my case, my boyfriend had a wife -- though they divorced for reasons related to her being abusive. My girlfriend has a husband. I have a fiance. Lots of poly people don't want to get married at all, but basically what typically happens is an extended network. Poly people tend to call it a polycule. I actually started dating my fiance well after the starts of my other relationship.
He's mono for himself, but often calls himself poly since he is happy for my own separate relationships. What we get out of our non-married relationships is the same as what mono people who aren't married get: Also, it feels a lot like a family. Which is, to put it lightly, nice. We all view each other as family. I view them as serious.
As in, I would trust any of them to make life-or-death decisions for me if I were unconscious and potentially dying in the hospital, for instance. I would be happy for one to be a nesting partner, living with my fiance and me and they both agree it would be great , but that partner works in location he cannot change if he wants to keep doing what he does. My other partner, she and I would not be well-suited to living together.
I Prefer to Date Men in Open Relationships, and Here’s Why
I guess, to me, as inept as the family analogy is, I view it as like what happens longterm between family members who love each other very much: What happens in 10 years with this partner? Still dating, but no long term partnership commitment? Or a long-term partnership commitment but not living together? You seem to equate "long term commitment" to a "till death do us part" deal in there somewhere. I define it as, "Being there for somebody, supporting them, being honest, treating them well, putting in as much work as you can to keep the relationship healthy," and other things like that.
These are the parts of traditional marriage vows that I view as commitment, and I believe I apply them to all three partners:.
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I would replace the "until death do us part" bit with a promise to put in my very best to keep the relationship healthy. Just as with married couples, it is possible my partners and I could end the relationships. So I view putting in my best as the most important promise, since we all know "until death do us part" is not a promise all married people uphold either.
Many let their relarionships wither. I would promise to do my best not to let the relationship wither. That's what I DO promise. Some people define it other ways though. Some people define it as marriage, or monogamy, or having children, or any other number of things.
Ok, based on this and other long comment threads in this thread I think maybe what you're asking, in a sense, is "Isn't it impossible for a person to be monogamous with two different people at the same time? But what we want isn't monogamy. Doesn't everyone want monogamy?
I Prefer to Date Men in Open Relationships, and Here's Why
Well, equally obviously, not everyone does. So finally we get to the core question "What does it feel like to not want monogamy? For all that I know what that feels like I have no idea how to just tell you.
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I used this analogy elsewhere, but it's a lot like trying to describe color to a blind man. That doesn't make for as much difference as one would expect - because poly and mono relationships are both still relationships, and are both more alike than they are different - but it's enough for it to be something of an unbridgeable divide. I applaud you for indulging your curiosity though. It's nice to see people who are genuinely, deeply curious about poly, maybe particularly when they don't "get" it.
The alternative is fear and suspicion, and that's a lot less pleasant: That's another big myth, IMO - relationships aren't a project that you can complete. They don't come with a list of checkboxes to finish. A relationship is waking up next to someone every day maybe more metaphorically than literally, in some cases and saying "what shall we do today? The point is just Consider if people were immortal. If you could literally live forever with the same person, what would your relationships look like? When would they end? Would you really try to live forever with just one other person?
If you wanted kids, would you perpetually keep having new children, or would you eventually have "enough" children, and move on to other things? Idk, I think part of the disconnect is that I don't see relationships as something that can be "accomplished. And importantly, to the extent that relationships can be considered "successful," it's not about whether two people stayed together until one died no matter how miserable they were.
A relationship is successful when it was a net positive experience for everyone involved. If you start to believe that the future of a relationship will be a net negative experience, you dissolve it with grace and civility - and without considering it a "failure" just because it didn't last forever. There is no right or wrong in poly relationships.
It comes down to communicating what you want with your partner s and deciding whether the relationship is meeting your needs or not. Some people have kids with multiple people. I can see that being a third person can have benefits for those who don't want to have kids or get married. Sex without dealing with that family stuff. I am married and dating a married woman. My wife has other partners, but her husband does not. Both my partner and I enjoy our time together, we're invested in each other's lives, friendly with each other's spouses, and in many ways behave like very close friends.
It's just that we also love each other, and spend our time together in one-on-one situations acting like any other couple. So we get a strong, real connection with each other, great sex, and another person supporting us along the journey that is life. Her husband, while not dating anyone else, is working on his own things, and enjoys the additional joy in her life that then is reflected back in their relationship. I know for my wife, one of her partners just enjoys their relationship as a purely sexual one.
They like each other, of course, but they get together to fuck and chill for a bit, and then part ways. He's not interested in anything serious, and neither is she. My boyfriend is solo poly. What he gets is two great longterm girlfriends that he has lots of fun and love with And he gets to have friends with benefits, other occasional lovers, and fun nights out to meet new women. Not everyone wants the same exact kind of life that follows the same pattern. Some people want something different. Sort of a strange question to ask what someone gets out of being with someone they are strongly attracted to, connected to, and love.
I have a long-term common law partner who I've been with for 5 years and I also have a bf of 1 year. Bf also happens to be monogamous. When things got more serious with him I ended up living part-time with each of them. The long-term goal is buying a duplex or triplex all together. None of us want kids, so that isn't a thing. I'd terminate a pregnancy regardless of who the father was if my birth control failed.
They aren't brother husbands, that just sounds odd. They're friends, that's about it. They basically think of one another as in-laws, not co-spouses. My boyfriend gets all the same benefits as my husband, except the legal connection. Love, support, companionship, sex, partnership and help in raising his daughter.
For now we enjoy our relationship and see where it goes. For all I know the 3 of us might grow old together, or we may part ways. We are making it work in the here and now and trying to ensure everyone feels loved and fulfilled. Oh and additionally he gets friendship and support from my husband, gets to enjoy our kids and being part of our family. There are numerous benefits for him. The long and personal version is that after a rough breakup I wanted to stay single but I also wanted an FWB. Found my guy who was in an open relationship and it grew from there.
Originally I thought I'd nope out when feelings developed but after a year I have to say I'm in it for the long haul. What dating him has given me on top of the sex: When I was in a long term relationship, our promise was less forever, which is impractical, and more to be together as long as we wanted to. To be our best selves and unentangle things respectfully if that day came. To try to work things out and not let others come between us, which to me doesn't mean monogamy, it means autonomy. We aren't together any more, and we aren't "exes who lunch" as some of my long time friends are, but mostly when it comes to divorce I've seen worse.
For a while, my ex lived two separate places with me and his other partner. For a while we lived all together, after much discussion about how to make that work for everyone. It was eventful, but I was open to having a much bigger, weirder family, with teenagers no less. I didn't end up wanting to live with my other partners at any point, so that didn't come up. My heart still melted at times watching my two loves pack a moving truck together, or when one would offer to edit the others' resume.
Unsurprisingly, I live alone now and don't want a life partnership - that's typical of solo polyamory. One of my partners also lives alone, one lives with his other girlfriend. Their relationship is newer than ours, but they both wanted to live together, so they do. Nothing important about my relationships has changed, except that my boyfriend has a house key because his girlfriend is my greatest pet sitter, lol.
So you could say I'm a third person, for all that I'm not, and I get exactly what I want out of that relationship - companionship, great sex, adventure, someone who always makes me smile, and a whole lot of time to do my own things chronic illness, career I love. I have friends and family and my abstract "tribe" of weirdos to grow old with. If you view marriage and children as the only really valuable thing, or goal of relationships, poly definitely isn't for you and I'd advise anyone against it who has those ideals.
Yes, you can make that work within poly, but if open relationships are not your primary goal, everything will be much harder. If you think about open relationships and are like "wow that's awesome, I want that! In that case, what you're "getting out of it" is self evident. Which, of course, isn't going to make sense to someone coming from a monogamous viewpoint. I think your next line is "But they already get those things from their marriage This confusion probably stems from one very fundamental difference between a mono perspective and a poly perspective: From a mono perspective, time, energy, attention, and so on are all limited quantities If you get the same amount of love either way, what's the point?